'Apart from the GOTT, here are a few things you can do _today_ to make your life a little better. Keep a diary and write down every success. Some you may do as often as you please, but write down each one individually! You deserve it! Do not feel pressured to do all, but feel free to select one or two!

- prepare 1 load of laundry
- do 1 load of laundry
- read one page of a book or manga you have been putting off
- cook yourself a meal, or try learn to make a simple dish
- eat a meal
- pick up items on the floor for 5 minutes
- make your bed
- if you have a bad habit, try making it more inconvenient (putting things in hard to reach places for example)
- do the dishes for 3 minutes
- write down one thing you are grateful for (from abstract things to something like a cute image you saw)
- Clean up 1m^2 of your floor (~40x40 in)
- Open your window for 10-20 minutes
- try to exercise for 5 min (walk outdoors, walking stairs, whatever you wish)
- take out the trash
- drink a glass of water
- put one item of trash in the bin
- reach out to an online contact
- BONUS: Repeat a goal to hit a milestone (1 book chapter rather than a page, the laundry pile, the floor of one room, etc)


Unofficial group chats maintained by kind anons of /sig/:
IRC: https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/irc.rizon.net/#/lgbt/sig
Discord: https://discord.gg/MKVMqfkkpS';

'>>35587792
Who gave you permission to post my wife';

'>>35587828
Oh, Pandy is your fav? You have excellent taste. Often I post more Justice and Modeus but I like to mix it up with her on tired days. I do think she fits the thread in her own way. Every day of hers is surely a struggle at least.
>>35576001
Ohh, in that case I should add it to a paste.
>>35576055
You're welcome. If it did you any good, it was worth it.
>>35577611
Ohh, I see. I do think everyone has some flavor of mental filter that keeps us from dismissing seemingly aberrant thoughts.
So if it is not that, do you have any clue where the
> I will suddenly stop being a gay male and become a straight man,
thought comes from?
>. I am currently attempting to excise a moth from my apartment. Does this count towards anything?
it very much does! Also, this may be strange but I am actually quite fond of moths.
>>35578862
Thank you b, always happy to encourage you. I read your convo with the other anon.. 12+hr days, christ, that's one hell of a ride. Studying and work is always an arduous mix.. you are doing amazing.
>>35580105
Is it really *rotting* or maybe just.. resting? It seems you are in a constant state of vigilance which must take a lot out of you. You need respite, moments where you can curl up without feeling like things come crashing down. Moments where you know you are productive just by being cozy.
>>35586687
I wish both of you all the best, and.. if there is any support I can extend to you, even if just emotional, remember I am here. You will make it, but yes.. it will take time to heal. But that too, you of all people will manage.';

'>>35588736
Yeah she's my waifu.
I am not ashamed to admit I've spent several hundred dollars commissioning art of her.';

'Self improvement step one: stop being LGBT
There. You've done more than learning skills, getting a career, getting friends, getting clean can ever do';

'>>35576960
All the skibidi L rizzmaxxed gyats aside, it sounds like you have plenty of outlets that would at least give things to provide you some endorphins. I understand that you feel little point in transitioning in the sense it won't make you a cis woman, and you worry you will not pass well. You mentioned low sense of self worth and all that. I could suggest to help you with that. Ultimately, I can't make you any suggestions that will make you pass better besides starting HRT and of course helping you work towards reaching a level of productivity where you can afford FFS/SRS all the good stuff. Is that not enough?
>hikiko attention whore?
I would not think of you as such. There would be far easier ways to get attention elsewhere. I do think you want help, but I am not sure you know how to go about it just how I struggle to respond to you in a way you find meaningful. I do not really understand what you would like to hear. You clearly want help, but I do not seem to follow what you are looking for.
>>35588753
The pic you just posted is one of my absolute favs of her. Did you commission it?
>>35588755
I am sure we talked before, anon. Which one are you?';

'>>35588736
thank you';

'>>35574449
Yeah, I used to be really into music production. It was how my friends and I bonded. After my drinking took over I slowly lost the drive while my friends continued on and actually made names for themselves. I feel like such a fool for throwing away what eventually turned into an opportunity.
>I bet in the AA meetings there were people talking about gardening, or bouldering, or fishing, or some other pursuit.
Yeah, unfortunately those meetings often make me feel worse than when I arrived. All the activities they mention are either not in my lane of interest, or I'm too post-sobriety anxious to even entertain the idea of spending time with people outside of a sinful party function. Even then, I'm always the only trans woman at those meetings and the demographic for AA in my area is 50+ y/o republicans. They're nice, sure, but I still feel like an outsider. I'm pretty vain, I don't see myself hanging out with old people. I almost would rather be alone. I feel really selfish and picky for that. The few people my age who attend never talk to me, and I'm too anxious to talk to anyone who isn't already like me (hobbies, etc). I'm also afraid I wont be able to maintain a healthy friendship, or a fulfilling one. My old friends and I used to smoke weed together a lot, we enjoyed the comradery around it. Unlike alcohol, weed parties never got messy or dramatic. I'd argue I used weed the way non-alcoholics use alcohol: purely social in moderation. I miss when weed was my thing. I was a lot more wholesome back then, more passionate. Alcohol ruined everything

I would honestly try something like VRChat. It seems right up my alley. Although, my ex is famous in VRChat and starting it up just makes me think about her, and I think it would ruin me mentally if we ran into each other. The only spaces I wanna navigate there are the ones she's coincidentally in

I'm kind of trapped. Now all I have is my music, silently listening to it on my own without anyone to share it with.';

'>>35587792
You don't look like that THOUGH';

'>>35588736
Thanks, Siganon. You’ve helped me a lot. I remember I started posting here in May of last year! And yeah, I will definitely ask for help again if I feel like I need it.

I haven’t forgotten that /sig/ is for sharing our struggles as well as our successes.';

'Self improvement is a lie. If you are reading this give up immediately.
I've spent the past 7 years clawing my way from being a total loser to being moderately successful for my age and I am still totally miserable.
Your only hope is to wait out the clock and pray one day your brain develops in such a way that you stop caring.';

'>>35589186
Is it irrational and inadvisable to project one's anecdotal experiences onto any other given individual. I've been feeling decidedly dandy!!';

'>>35588791
>endorphins
Not since long ago desu. Right now I'm ending another world conquest in EU4 aka the most boring thing you can do in this game for no reason :D but hey I made present for you files catbox moe/huecc5 webp I forgor if catbox is filtered here also I'm still bad with razor so I went back to scratching with box cutter and the more lines I made the less readable it became :C
>little point in transitioning
Starting my life at nearly 30 only to grind for money and chance at love while being in hypothetical dept aka having to spend money for surgeries while chasing the opportunists for a smallest bits of happiness that won't even come with my emotional dissociation before that is such a good perspective to fight for :3
>it won't make you a cis woman
At least I can't get pregnant and I would be forced to stick to my principals and adopt if I would ever want a kid Such a great positive I just hope no one will beat me up after seeing a small fold of skin between my legs
>you will not pass well (twink hon into hon)
oh no no everyone will pass its just the worms am i right?? *fedora tipping* *fedora tipping* *fedora tipping* *fedora tipping*
>can afford FFS
YAY becoming a cog in soulless machine of today's capitalism where you can be fired for whatever bullshit reason and have to spend years in court to prove that legally you weren't supposed to be fired just so your boss can bully you but this time in more legal way
>easier to get attention
Coomers are boring and posing nudes became boring for me too, trolling is just ew most of the time and I don't want to become a pickme twitter lolcow because it attracts people with whom I don't want to have nothing in common
>misc
I'm already on hormones still less than a year but I'm on caloric deficit so there will be little to no changes and if you want to say eat more it won't work, I love my eating disorder it makes me even more fem, Anyway wine time before sleep I hate my existence since being a kid btw tee hee';

'bump';

'Good morning /sig/.
I'm being responsible today and going to another doctor's appointment in a bit, hoping something will fix me. Turns out one of my pills has depression as one of its side-effects, so I've had the pleasure of crying 3-5 times a day for the past month or so, but I literally can't sit upright unless I take it.
I hate seeing everyone around me get older.
Wish we all stayed young and never got sick.';

'bump';

'All right gamers let's do this';

'Okay, here’s my next “I’m having trouble here” post.

So I started my day with a walk in the park. The weather is nice again. Fresh air, sunlight, exercise = Happy chemicals.

But all I can think about is my roommate/ex. I think about the good times and cry, knowing that that it won’t be like that again. I think of the bad times and cry, knowing that they’re the cause for no more good times.

So much I have going for me right now, I owe to my roomie. They found me my current therapist and HRT doctor. Even the step counter I use, I downloaded the app my roommate had.

It’s like… this all ending on such good terms is exactly what makes it all so tough. I can’t be mad at my roomie.

I get sad thinking about the summer ahead, because I moved in with my roommate right at the end of May last year. Even if I find my own place in this area, it’s not going to be the same — and I enjoyed last summer pretty well.

It’s not that I don’t want to try to make the best of it. Moving here also showed me that trying new things can be great! But it’s scary. It’s sad. I’m autistic, and we’re not the biggest fans of change.';

'>>35597736
Relationships and living arrangements ending is a big thing, even if it ended on good terms. I think you're more than allowed to grieve for a while - it's hard to lose a time and a space that you have grown fond of.
Good things may lie ahead, but the brain will always need time to process the present becoming the past.';

'>>35598057
Thank you. I’ll just keep in mind that I’m grieving, and cut myself some slack.';

'i have a bad habit of procrastinating and doing things last minute and i am always a few minutes late because of this';

'I hate getting disciplined for nothing like seesh
Therapy today went amazingly great, got an endo recc hopefully I’ll get there eventually. Oh and I’m helping my friend mod fallout im excited :)';

'I have food security for at least 2 more months.';

'>>35599788
Could u share more images like picrel? It really panders to my tastes no nvm sorry fuck me';

'>>35587792
God I feel like I'm getting worse recently, but im still trying, I've made an appointment for psychiatry to try and get help again';

'>>35596995
>what I say to myself every time I take my meds';

'not doing good, no.

i'm still alive and safe.
but i'm fucked up. I'm keeping up with my ankis and ASL.
ctill smoking.
dysphoric af, feeling devoid of positive emotions.
cloudflare can go fuck itself.';

'>>35599966';

'>>35600749
I was the one who asked. Thank you. Fuck you. Sorry. You are so generous and kind.';

'>>35600810
I have a lot more of this character if yo u like :)';

'Gonna need a bit of time before catching up proper today.
>>35588851
Don't mind me keeping an eye on you, okay? You are stressed and overworked afaict, and while I cannot change that, you don't have to cope with your circumstances alone. Speak up when you hurt.
>>35589107
I think there is plenty of material for a possible breakthrough in what you just said, Tomoko. But the unfortunate thing I have to preempt with is that there are solutions to the problem you are having but none of them will be comfortable.
>All the activities they mention are either not in my lane of interest
Here is a question for you that I think is very important: Do you think they were genuinely interested in these activities before they started them? Some interests are cultivated as a pretext to fill a void, means, and organically develop into ends later. If you ever went again, I would recommend forgetting about whether the pursuit is interesting to you rn, and focus on "how did they get into it in the first place?"
>or I'm too post-sobriety anxious to even entertain the idea
This of course is antithetical to your wants and needs. Fully understandable, but something that would be best viewed as a matter of "how do I dismantle this?". We as humans constantly make up arbitrary rules by which we abide. In your case your fears and axiety make you limit what can and cannot be a social interaction you see yourself engaging in.
>I'm kind of trapped. Now all I have is my music, silently listening to it on my own without anyone to share it with.
It leads to this. There are things you avoid doing because they make you uncomfortable. We need to figure out *why*. There are some glass walls in your way, and we gotta figure out their shape to break them. I know you can do it, with support and assurance.
>>35589140
I'm very comfy being a guy tbhon.
>>35589146
That makes me happy, Panty. And yes, you've been with us for a good while, and plenty to show for it in my eyes, all out of your own strength.';

'Haven't seen Zdrada in a while..
>>35589186
>r to being moderately successful for my age and I am still totally miserable.
well, you have all your existential needs met then, which leads me to believe that there is something else bothering you. What is it that makes you miserable?
>>35591363
I am glad you started transitioning, Frem.
>I love my eating disorder it makes me even more fem
I mean that is objectively incorrect. You yourself said it's in the way of your transition progress, and yes, having to overcome ED is hard. Nonetheless, as much as I understand you being upset and lashing, complaining about hondom and things being difficult while actively working against your own interests while being spiteful and antagonizing through a poorly constructed veil of non-irony is not going to help you. Let's cut to the chase and ask you: do you want help? As in, sincerely. I understand that you are starting from a place with many self destructive copes, and you don't feel the energy or will to put an end to them. But you must ask yourself whether "fuck you Anon I am actually HAPPY being miserable" is really what you want. You're very young and immature, and that is fine, you think your life is over and you're gonna sui before 30 anyways, but I am not your failing parents, I hold nothing over you and there is no meaningful way for you to oppose me. I am not an authority figure. I am simply extending my hand to you, as an equal, and offering advice that is often self evident but difficult to follow. But if you aren't interested in it, then what could I possibly give you?
>>35594070
That fucking sucks, anon. Do keep us posted on how that went.
>Wish we all stayed young and never got sick.
Sounds like a wish of someone with love in their heart.';

'khyle remade one of his first artworks, interesting how much his style changed.
>>35599737
What is your inner monologue like in these moments? What compels you to it? How do you generally fare setting yourself deadlines?
>>35599818
Oh goodness, are you running out of funds or what is the issue?
>>35599978
Glad to hear, Puffin. Did we have the pleasure before? It must have been a while. Pardon if my memory sucks..
>>35600376
Still processing everything?';

'>>35602899
>What is your inner monologue like?
Idk I'm aware of the time running out but there isn't much going on in monologue thoughts.
>WHAT COMPELS YOU
dopamine addiction idk. I am usually wasting time consooming content until 20 minutes before I have to go to work and then I barely give myself enough time to get ready
>how dare with deadlines
I feel the deadline and still do not take action until there's barely any time';

'>>35600830
Thank you, but I just really liked the vibes of the first one. Really scratched my homey wife fantasy itch. Now I’ve ruined it for you ;((((((((((';

'>>35601810
thank you, very genuinely and again, thank you, i've just been needing some reassurance that it really is difficult and not just me whining

all that being said, i'm doing fantastic in school';

'>>35602681
>I love my eating disorder it makes me even more fem
this is sarcastic statement, I know it's not a good thing
I honestly don't know what I want. I don't remember ever feeling loved by anyone in any sense of love I can think of, I never cared about my body, my emotions always seem to be dull compared to everyone around me. My only dreams since I can remember my childhood always were to be a girl or to stop existing. I don't even remember what it means to be happy now, whenever I smile or laugh it's a learnt reflex and the best I can feel is feeling nothingness so standard auto destructive bullshit. Being happy would be nice but I have already tried to improve my situation many times when I was in a better state and I failed every time. Now when I panic whenever I think about getting a job, going outside to meet people or having to do something that isn't ordinary for me any kind of improvement no longer seems hard but impossible to do alone and I doubt someone online could help me. Hearing 2 hours ago that I may have to get a job is still making me feel bad especially when being kicked out is a possible way of "teaching me what life is about" because my parents "care" this way whenever they have to deal with something bad for them and I know it's not a normal response to stress on my part. I don't know what to do with myself aside from dying and ending this pointless existence. Interpret this stream of consciousness however you want to and please for the sake of everyone at least try to sound less up your ass whenever you explain anything, you sounded like you talk to 12yo in your past few responses because of that without telling pretty much anything';

'>>35587792
I can't believe fags get to have /SIG/ but it gets pruned from /pol/ instantly. How is /pol/ gayer than /lgbt/?';

'>>35599978
Trying is good, hope the psychiatry thing works out well for you
>>35602681
>That fucking sucks, anon. Do keep us posted on how that went.
I'm on some psychomode antibiotics on top of the other drugs now. Pretty stoked about it tbr, because I'm desperate. 1 in 100 end up in the hospital with side-effects according to the funny paper inside, thats how you know this is the good stuff
>Sounds like a wish of someone with love in their heart.
If I could I'd give everyone all the time in the world, so we could all run around and play some more.';

'>>35604250
/pol/ is full of insecure males. It’s bound to have some chudinistic ego and strength culture over there that don’t believe in self-improvement and/or are too lazy to think about it';

'Bump.';

'Becoming a better person';

'>>35603670
Oh goodness no you didnt ruin anything for me! Dw :)
Hmm Ill try to find something that gives the same vibes
I think this gives a homely vibe, hope you like it(and it is totally fine if you dont!)';

'>>35608482
I love it. It captures the peaceful essence so lacking in my life. It’s beautiful.';

'>>35608609';

'>>35587792
getting fatter and sadder.';

'>>35608283
Hi cutie :3';

'>>35602899
We have, although it's been such a long time
>>35606059
I hope it does well, if not I give up on it all, tired of doctors and psychs doing the bare minimum and not helping';

'>>35587792
had a really bad day and overate a shit ton to the point of throwing up atleast I didn't cut though. Today was a mistake but I can do better in the future.';

'>>35608652
nta but love this suiseiseki
>>35608853
>I hope it does well, if not I give up on it all, tired of doctors and psychs doing the bare minimum and not helping
Yeah, I understand that. Obviously not encouraging you to give up, but you're way right about some doctors and psychs only bothering with easier patients. If things don't work, get out of there fast and give yourself a little time to reconstitute before trying someone else, if you can. You deserve help.
(I'm the anon in the previous thread with some bad psych experiences + the anon in this thread going to the doctor, for context)
>>35608664
Sorry to hear that, tripfag. Hope you find something small to cheer you up. New hobby, cool cat outside to pet on the way to work, something like that. Weight and body image can be a pain.
>>35609212
Hey, that's strong of you to resist, honestly. For what it's worth I'm proud of you. You'll make it.';

'>>35587792
Hello /sig/ I quit smoking weed yesterday because I’m terrified of the consequences to my skin, lungs, mind and finances I’ve been smoking almost every day for 3 years and 10 months (ever since I was 16, I turned 20 two months ago). I’ve had like 3 months total within that timespan where I wasn’t smoking.

I want to know what I can do to be good to my skin for now on so that I may remain beautiful for eternity, anybody got any advice? Specific product recommendations or habits I should reinforce?

> Inb4 estrogen';

'I think I have a real self esteem problem. it's hard for me to take complements and impossible to believe that I might actually pass, let alone be pretty.
meds obviously aren't fixing my whole life on their own so what do I do to improve my self esteem?';

'>>35610934
- Niacinamide serum and Retinol or Adapalen/Tretinoin in the night
- L-Ascorbic acid/Vit-C serum and SPF in the day
- Moisturiser both day and night.
Go for something that suits your climate.
Cool ingredients: glycerin, hyaluronic acid, ceramide, snail mucin, urea, panthenol.
Anything with lanolin, petrolatum and dimethicone will provide a semi-waterproof barrier on top.';

'>>35610934
>anybody got any advice?
Apply UV-blocking lotion generously — there is no force more insidiously deleterious to dermal health than the fell rays of the Sun. I do so before any excursion into the sunlight that I presage to span in excess of one hour.';

'>>35611106
Wow thank you! Are any of these non vegan? Or are connected to cruelty usually? Also would any of these have any negative interactions with skin conditions?';

'>>35611116
Is there never any good time to be in the sun? What about vitamin D?';

'>>35611130
I've seen no studies suggesting that use of sunscreen significantly interferes with vitamin D absorption, and the general consensus appears to be that one needs only to be exposed to sunlight for roughly ten to fifteen minutes daily to acquire a sufficient amount of said vitamin.';

'>>35610943
you must realize your goals that provide you with self esteem, unfortunately
taking complements is much easier when you believe them about yourself, which is in-part self esteem, but also simply accepting them to the point you end up cognitively rewiring your brain
if somebody is complementing you, you basically gotta take it at face value and use a logical mind to talk down the dissonant feelings
>>35611124
nta but you can search for vegan & cruelty-free products on skinsort.com - they've listed raw ingredients so you'll have to find a product containing them with a formulation that fits your needs
>>35611130
you can roll your sleeves up or wear a T-shirt and get vit d that way (<:
iirc if you get enough sun you'll still produce vit d even with spf50/pa++++';

'>>35611220
Ah okii, I read on like healthline that it may interfere lol.

I like healthline they have a lot of information but occasionally I get the feeling that they aren’t the most reliable.

Do you know about Japanese and Korean sunscreens? I hear they have a new ingredient that isn’t in American sunscreens.';

'>>35610934
>>35611221
also very many congratulations for quitting weed, it's the bane of my existence lol';

'>>35611221
Sorry if this is out of nowhere but do you think that cessation of smoking now might reverse any damage that’s been done, I can’t really tell if I’ve been damaged but I get the feeling I may have.';

'>>35611251
you'll be surprised at what can be done
i can't promise a total reversal but in my case I'm like 80-90% of the way back after 8 months or so, just some fine lines around my eyes (still becoming less pronounced)
i smoked unfiltered roll ups for a while (and heavily) alongside weed for a bit of context - also didn't do skincare or use sunscreen during that period xd';

'>>35611233
>Do you know about Japanese and Korean sunscreens?
I do not.';

'Good morning, /sig/.

So, one thing I realized yesterday was that in the past year I’ve been living with my roommate/ex, I never made friends that I spent time with separately from my roomie.

It wasn’t for lack of trying, but just the same. I need to keep trying to make new friends. So I signed up for an LGBT social event in my area later this month. I’ll actually have somewhere to go on a Friday night!

I also got a little too in my head thinking about all the things I’ve missed out on by not being part of a female friend group in my teens and 20s. I think it’s healthy to a degree to accept that there are experiences in life you can’t make up for whenever.

But at the same time, I can’t waste the rest of my life being sad about the part of it I’ve already lived. My older self will be glad I made the most of the time they can’t get back.

I’m not alone. I’m not the only person my age looking for new friends. And certainly not the only queer person.

To a degree, getting a later start on your best life is just part of the queer experience.

I still cried some this morning, but I’m crying less.';

'>>35611247
It’s so fucking good but I want to be firm with myself.
>>35611297
That’s so good to hear, both of my parents smoked a lot in their lives, my dad still does and they still look great! So I think I’m okay in the genetics department.';

'>>35611341
tried putting together something to show
lighting's a little off but i've definitely noticed a big difference irl, especially when smiling
am also on 2 hours sleep so that probs won't help kek
>It’s so fucking good but I want to be firm with myself.
reel shit
saves money in the long run too
im dependent on it to sleep, slowly learning to do without tho
>both of my parents smoked a lot in their lives, my dad still does and they still look great! So I think I’m okay in the genetics department.
damn that's crazy, good omen then (:
hope it goes well anon - wish you all the best (<:';

'>>35611124
- Adapalene/tret/retinol/Vit-A has a negative interaction with dermatitis and psoriasis - basically any skin condition that make you dry or increases your skincell turnover shouldnt be exposed to Vit-A, since Vit-A does similar things (in a good way though, if your skin is healthy.)

- Petrolatum and dimethicone can be a bit much for skin with acne

- Urea and Ascorbic acid/Vit-C can sting if your skin is slightly damaged by cold weather etc, since they're acids.

Most vitamins, fats, and acids used in skincare can be synthesized from vegan sources, but some times companies opt not to; Urea, for instance, can be both vegan and non-vegan. Contrary to what the name would lead you to believe, Lactic Acid is usually synthesized vegan as well because of cost.

Common non-vegan ingredients that are always non-vegan are:
lanolin (essentially hair grease extracted from wool), beeswax, honey, propolis, carmine, fish oils, snail mucin

Other ingredients tied to other kinds of cruelty:
Palm oil, Mica, Plastics (nylon, vinyl, PEG, polyetylenes, glitters, etc)';

'>>35611762
Oh shit, I’ve been cursed with seborrheic dermatitis, should I avoid those? How does my condition affect a routine?';

'>>35611233
You might be thinking about Tinosorb and Mexoryl; these can be found in some european sunscreens as well.';

'>>35611655
Yeah you do look better!
Thank you anon :3';

'>>35611808
I'd be careful with topical Vit-A if you have seborrheic dermatitis, yes, since Vit-A is rather strong (to the point of being prescription only in some countries) and increases skin sensitivity (affecting your eczema). You can apply it on unaffacted areas however.
You might find that panthenol and niacinamides (both Vit-Bs) feel great though! Panthenol, in particular, can be used in areas where other ingredients might sting. Get yourself some zink-lotion as well, if you want something for stay at home days: it makes you look like a ghost, is thick as hell, but really helps calm sensitive skin down. Theres a reason it's used in all sorts of baby products.';

'>>35611809
I’m unsure if that’s it.
>>35611917
All of this is a little hard to wrap my head around, do you know how much money is a good amount to start with in buying skincare? I can buy some items today probably I’ll have like $100 later.';

'>>35611940
Honestly, skincare doesnt need to be as expensive as people make it out to be. I'd suggest looking into brands like CeraVe and The Ordinary if you're in the US. 100$ should be more than enough for something simple.
The Ordinary niacinamide serum is 6 dollars, for reference.

Korean and japanese skincare can be cheaper than western alternatives when it comes to certain active ingredients in mid-tier formulations (mostly vit-C and vit-B), so that is also an option';

'Bump.';

'Page 9 bump';

'>>35611819
ty anon! (:
>Thank you anon :3
npnp ^^';

'page 9 bump';

'I fucking hate Poland and this movement of more and more popular people becoming "either left wing or right wing (right wing)" or openly right wing. I know some of those people are the people whom my friends follow which makes it even scarier to ever meet with them again and hearing even more people I know being transphobic would make me neet for life. Ifucking hate it, there is noting worth living for here. I hate that I'm getting anxious and start to panic when I see 4 cis semi popular guys on youtube create another channel about guys being the real victims in this big conservative village. Czechs should just annex us or at least silesia with how things are going';

'>>35617093
1.Fuck phone posting
2.I don't want to read or rewrite it again so I hope it is readable';

'>>35587792
hello sig! i’ve posted on here about my struggle with an ED before, i need some more help. how can i get over the fear of looking fat? i have very few pictures of myself that i actually like, but they all share the commonality of me having a flat tummy. i’m mtf on hrt for 4 months, got my blood work done yesterday and i know i'm estrogen dominant (my levels aren’t the best but i’ll ask hrtgen for help when it gets back to normal). i know that in the long run gaining weight will make me look more feminine and be healthier, but trying to commit is terrifying. my thinness is literally the only attractive thing i have going for me, i don’t want to be unlovable for the months it would take to gain at a healthy rate. it’s obvious i'm not as over my ED as i thought since i’m crying while writing this. any advice would be well appreciated. thank you for everything y’all do here, i think this has an actual positive impact on people’s lives <3';

'I spent a concerning amount of the day sleeping.
>>35603258
>I feel the deadline and still do not take action until there's barely any time
>I am usually wasting time consooming content until 20 minutes before
In that case one of the most straightforward solutions would of course be limiting your screen time to dedicated hours, but that is not always realistic. If you have an hour or two in every day (not just the days you have stuff to do, but as a consistent habit) where you don't spend time on a screen you could sustainably work towards things in times where a deadline is approaching, but also fill the time with other things you might usually get not around to doing. The hard part is really getting the ball rolling and not "one more game/video"ing it all the time. You will initially not be consistent, but keeping a counter of how many times a week you managed to stick to it and have that go up slowly over time would be a massive win. From there you can basically follow guides on how to reward yourself and push yourself more away from the screen. Psychologically all these types of bad habits are the same, so any sensible online guides will have some things that work for you, that's a matter of trial and error. It will be most discouraging initially, but if you don't give up you should see results. If not it might be a good idea to see a pro about it, in case it is something pathological.
>>35604016
You are super welcome, and I am glad you are doing great! I mostly worry that you burn out, these things are hard and you are most certainly not whining. Be proud of yourself.. I am.
>>35604250
I mean, there is a reason I put a justification of why /sig/ is on-topic for this board in the OP. It's a question of the board culture and the powers that be agreeing with your reasoning for why the thread should be there. I don't think I would have had an easy time making /sig/ without stating a clear justification, but I struggle to imagine a good one on /pol/.';

'>>35604234
> I don't remember ever feeling loved by anyone in any sense of love I can think of
of course it is only natural for you to have very little drive to practice self love. I cannot offer love, but.. I hope that you can tell that I care sincerely enough to put genuine thought and effort into trying to help you. You do need support, I think. Given a bit of guidance you likely would have an easier time navigating setbacks without things collapsing, and having people that care would give getting better a meaning outside of yourself: making people cheering you on happy.
>my emotions always seem to be dull
I'm probably not saying anything surprising here but it is nigh universal among people who experienced trauma relating to neglect or abuse.. in my experience.
>tried to improve my situation many times when I was in a better state and I failed every time.
>Now when I panic whenever I think about [it]
of course, things repeatedly crashing down on you essentially condition you into not trying, it relates to learned helplessness stuff. It sucks to deal with emotionally, and rationally we would need to explore *why* things failed, because oftentimes interlocking issues can lead us to self sabotage, and then misdiagnose the problem. You know, instead of "I ended up doing X because Y and that cause me to fail at Z" we gravitate to "I failed at Z because I tried."
>any kind of improvement no longer seems hard but impossible to do alone
yes, learned helplessness is what the pros call it I think. It would be super worth reading into it.
1/2';

'>>35604234
2/2
>I doubt someone online could help me.
having someone physically, a proper support network, would of course be better, 100%. It's hard, but the least we can to s push and prod you towards finding people IRL, and stabilizing you a little. How much we can do.. is itself a matter of trial and error.
>you sounded like you talk to 12yo in your past few responses because of that
Pardon, I am just a verbose fuck and often have to say things that are self evident. It's because everyone is different and often have more success reiterating obvious things people already know, not because I think they are stupid and can't figure things out on their own, but because often pointing at specific things like that shifts their perspectives. I do not mean to condescend in the slightest. I firmly believe no matter people's age or background each and every one of us is a fully fledged person with a rational core that has their own agency, thoughts, and sensible strategies. The past few responses from you also seemed increasingly antagonistic, I don't think it was your intention either.
>kicked out is a possible way of "teaching me what life is about"
this must be horrifying, by the way... so I do understand that you have a panic reaction to notions of self improvement when you associate it with shit like this being dangled over your head.
>without telling pretty much anything
There are two things we kinda need to juggle simultaneously:
1) strategic/rational
Basically, what are your most urgent issues that need fixing, what gets in their way both psychologically and practically, and try to construct a todo list of achievable, actionable things to resolve them, learning from things you tried that did not work.
2) emotional
You feel little point in the things that need doing, you crave meaning, and you crave actual support. Those will require solving a completely different set of issues and is just as urgent.

Figuring those two out I can't do alone, though.';

'Urgh.. gotta sleep soon.
>>35606059
You sound like a sweetheart, anon. I hope you get to spend loads of time with your loved ones. Would it be too much to ask what's up with you needing those strong antibiotics? Is it a temporary thing, something more chronic?
>>35608283
All the best, anon! Damn it looks lie you've come super far already. I hope you feel accomplished.
>>35608609
By the way anon, sorry to butt in but if there is anything you wanna get off your chest.. we are here for that.
>>35608664
Hm.. what's your target bmi, and what caused you to gain? Stress eating or something?
>>35608853
I could go check the archives, but if you could jog my memory it would be super appreciated. I'm glad to be there.
>>35609212
I'm glad you didn't cut. This shit is difficult, and I am sorry to hear today sucked. You did great all things considered. We're rooting for you, anon! I hope you know.
>>35610190
>>35610879
It's sweet of you to delete the bumps, but you really don't have to. How are you, anon?
>>35610943
Journaling can help a great deal with stuff like this. Essentially, a lot of positive thinking stuff like this is not a rational convincing matter. It is a matter of exhausting your mental defenses to the idea through dumb repetition and internalizing through it. External and internal affirmation helps. Some things can't be beaten so easily, especially when your self perception is messed up, but one thing after the other. A useful thing I often suggest is trying a "third person perspective". Imagine a carbon copy of you, how would you judge that person? People often tend to be unfair to themselves in ways they would never do to others. Example:
"I did X I am such a Y", yet the same person would say to someone else "Just because you did X once doesn't mean anything."
>>35611324
Yeah, things will sting less the richer your life is with people that care about you, I think you nailed it. And who knows, some things may blossom from new friendships..';

'Goodnight for now, /sig/.
>>35616822
Well done, anon! Super happy to hear, only recently had to clean my own stove top, so I know how much of a pita it can be.
These things matter, and it's important we remember that self care is worth it, for ourselves and the way it inspires others to do the same.
>>35617093
Poland is a fucking nightmare for lgbt people. I had so many Polish anons share their woes with me on that front. Hell, even friends I had IRL that were lgbt and only had close family in poland had to suffer bucket of crabs bullshit on that front. You have my heartfelt sympathy on that front.
>>35617168
>how can i get over the fear of looking fat? i have very few pictures of myself that i actually like, but they all share the commonality of me having a flat tummy.
okay so.. there are two major things: initially, when recovering from ED your body will create belly fat that won't stay there. It will redistribute things more in time. That is the terrifying part of healing from these things, and I wanna be upfront about it.
Also, there are attractive traits you will find come from body fat: breasts, thighs, butt, all of which help you pass. The good news is that you will slowly get used to it, as your self image will naturally readjust the longer it is exposed to you looking healthy. It can also help to seek affirmation from others. I will gladly encourage you every day you post. It is genuinely fucking hard, and scary, and the fear I sadly can't take away. But there are things about you that are lovable besides your looks. I think some journaling where you try to record things about yourself you did well/things other people appreciate about you could add something positive to aid your sense of self worth.
>thank you for everything y’all do here, i think this has an actual positive impact on people’s lives <3
awh.. and that you too anon.Like I said above, every kindness to yourself can have a positive knock on effect.';

'Bump. It's hot.';

'penis';

'I haven't posted in this general in months at this point. Shitload of things have changed.
The guy I was crushing on? He's my boyfriend now, and I live with him. Absolutely love him.
Lately I've been struggling though. Been unemployed, struggling to find work because of being a tranny. I seem to pass well enough, I just struggle with my voice training, and haven't legally changed any documents like my name or gender marker.
To add to it, I started to finally figure out that a lot of my anxiety I've had has always actually been sensory overload, and I got some coping tools/mechanisms that have really been helping. Yet for some reason, my day to day life has gotten tougher. I've been having a harder time coping with stress. I've found myself struggling with things I've never struggled with before. And ever since i had covid the second time I get exhausted and dizzy so fucking easily. All the time. There's days I can barely get out of bed without getting winded, and the covid episode was months ago.
Just trying to not be a lazy neet piece of shit, I feel guilty I'm not contributing to the household and I should be, it's not fair to my boyfriend';

'>>35618456
Can't remember much myself, would be around a year ago, at the least before 06/23';

'>>35618620
> But there are things about you that are lovable besides your looks
i really wish this was the case. i genuinely tried to think of something but i couldn’t. i know that’s not true, i know there is something since i have people who care about me who’ve only ever seen me in a baggy hoodie but i just don’t get it. i think what i'm trying to say here is sorry for wasting your time, but i guess i'm just not ready to get better yet? i’ll really try, i promise, and i’ll be back in a while to see where i stand and how things have changed. it’s been cathartic either way and it’s important to get a good cry in every so often. thank you';

'>>35622987
Have you gone to a doctor about this dizziness and exhaustion? I think the most proactive thing you could do is investigate that.';

'>>35588736
>*rotting* or maybe just.. resting?
I spoke to the advisor at uni and they called it fermenting. there's rest but still a process going on, things will bubble to the surface and I'll need to be sometimes in a dark place to do it but I'm trying to become something better.
I've been able to get some of that worry-free rest for the first time in a while. It's nice. I want more of it.';

'>>35618456
thanks /sig/anon, hope you do too. Everyone deserves a chill time with some great people.
>Would it be too much to ask what's up with you needing those strong antibiotics? Is it a temporary thing, something more chronic?
We don't know. (I'm the axolotl anon from previous thread btw - hello!) It seems chronic, but nobody has been able to diagnose it so far. It's been at it's current level of severity for about 3-4 years by now. My days consist of looking up medicine and tests and scheduling appointments to ask if I can try them.';

'Bump. I've not much to do today, besides cleaning, which I have down to an expeditious exercise now.';

'pg 9 bump';

'>>35627914
We must stop meeting like this...';

'>>35627931
Forbidden love tastes the sweetest, Theta. Till next we meet.';

'Bump. I'm currently working to dust-proof some display cabinets.';

'>>35625025
I'd like to, but I don't have health insurance. I need to work to get that. Unfortunately, if you're working and health issues don't keep you from getting in to work, you aren't taken seriously, and they don't help. If you're not working, and your health issues are part of why, oh well, you still don't get help because Healthcare isn't for unemployed people.
State insurances don't really count, because doctors will tend to actively treat you like shit if they see you're using it. Though I can't even get that kind of insurance, so it's irrelevant
I agree though, fixing my health issues or at least seeing what's going on might be the best move';

'>>35587792
i am genuinely considering suicide and don't know what else to do besides commit';

'So, I talked to my therapist today. He did point me towards one organization that might be able to help me, but his main concern seemed to be getting me into the right mindset.

He made sure I realized that even though I have a tough task ahead of me (that being, finding a new place to live in three months) and success is not guaranteed, I shouldn’t give up.

I think I’m ready to stop being sad about the past and focus on the future. I was waiting to see what my therapist had to say about this. I’ve had a few days to reflect, now it’s back to work.';

'>>35630204
nvm I smoked some weed and now it's k';

'>>35630204
You took a big first step towards dealing with your problem constructively by telling us you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts.

There are proactive steps you can take in the short term to manage suicidal thoughts. Generally, just think about something else you’d like to do for a while, and do that instead.

And if you want help thinking of long term solutions to the situation that’s making you want to commit suicide, tell us more about why you want to and we can talk about ways to deal with them besides dying.';

'pg 9 bump';

'>>35624485
sorry for the follow up so close after the bump, but i’m having a moment of clarity and need to speak before it goes. i go through cycles of completely giving up like in this post, and then having renewed interest in getting better like now. i think it’s adding to my difficulties cause it makes my diet far too erratic. anyway, i just spent time looking at myself in the mirror (after i ate and was bloated). while at first i was incredibly disgusted with myself, i really just sat in that moment. i don’t feel as bad anymore. if i had to make my stomach look like that in order to get proper fat in “better” places, i think i’d be ok with that. i’m going to try doing this more often.';

'>>35622987
First of all, super happy to hear you got a bf! I'm not a doc but that sounds like something circulatory.. which combined with covid sounds weird. The other anon makes a good point. You're def not lazy if you are struggling like this trying to get better. As for what you said to the other anon in >>35630165:
That's quite an alarming combo to say the least.. US healthcare system or someplace else, if it is okay to ask? It's mostly for context, but yeah it is quite horrendous either way. You should be proud of yourself for trying so hard to be the best you can be for your bf, and on the contrary, I would urge you not to overexert yourself and fall apart. Keep a sustainable pace. That said..
> if you're working and health issues don't keep you from getting in to work, you aren't taken seriously,
by the doctors? This confused me, it's not their job to even care about whether you are "sick enough" in the first place, and an employer should have no say in when and for what you go to the doc.
>>35623480
Should I dig a little or would you be alright briefing me on your current circumstances, and things you might want a 3rd party perspective on?
>>35624485
>>35633339
First of all, I hope it is alright that I actively encourage you to keep up this conversation! There is no need to retreat into your shell, you are doing positively amazing. What you said in the second post is some great progress though! I'm happy to hear. As for times where you give up.. it is genuinely difficult. Depending on how in control you feel (and these things are a sliding scale, do not beat yourself up about occasionally slipping) one useful thing in my experience is to try and engineer excuses to do things even though you have given up internally, because as you yourself said, it is fleeting. Sometimes, even though we've given up, we can muster up some energy to still do things with mental gymnastics. Sunk cost fallacy works for me. I can't guarantee it working, but it is a tool.';

'>>35587792
Been gone for a few days. I'll go through a few aspects for y'all.
>school
About halfway through my second term of grad school. Taking classes on library metadata and and research in my field. A bit behind on a project, but nothing I can't make up this week and/or next.
>fitness
I went to the gym a few times in the last week, which is less than ideal. I'll take the win of going and not get discouraged, though. I did glutes and quads today. My legs hurt pretty bad, but that's how I know it's working.
>leisure
I've been reading a fair amount. Read about 100 pages of Buddhist discourses this week. I'm cooking potato leek soup and croque madame this weekend. Played Minecraft with my boyfriend for a bit.
>other stuff
I had therapy and did some DBT worksheets. I'm going to do some cleaning this weekend, too.
>>35610943
My best advice is to set small goals and get a few aspects of routine in your life. There's no need to regiment your time like you're in the military. See about setting an alarm and a bedtime, for example.';

'She is wife.';

'>>35618070
I was and mostly still am a neglected, less important child to the point where I remember having to argue with my parents that at least sometime I should also have a say in what we're going to do/see on trips as a family and stuff like that idk how to translate it exactly, I'm in stupid mood now. Idk about how abusive my childhood was, even compared to the country average.
I'm not really sure why I failed in the past now thanks to my memory issues. It may be depression amnesia or just every day being nearly the same and me not having anything to really remember. I still learn from the past but I just can't recall any situations to mention here from top of my head :<
As I said no one around me can help me IRL and I couldn't even find a trans person in my town, closest support group is too far away. Actually finding someone like that now would be like finding a needle in a stack of hay.
"I don't think it was your intention either" it actually was whenever I was mean to you.
My biggest issues? I can't force myself out of bed thanks to some mental blockage that I cannot overcome for hours, I cry about being single, lonely and trans all the time, I panic too much to be able to live, can't and don't want to work, hate myself, have problems thinking sometimes, I freeze while doing things and pity myself, can't force myself to do stuff no matter if it's something big or small, want to die. Things from top of my head. I honestly think I'm a lost cause with how little my meds help and with how little help I cn get IRL. Ending up on street is a sure thing at this point that I can only delay for some time';

'>>35625522
fermenting, that's honestly a good one. It is.. productive, essentially. You can't rely on all your progress being in one gigantinc adrenaline haze. Healing is a balance between maintenance and recuperation. You'll make it I'm sure.
>>35626128
Ohh, lovely! Hello again axolotl anon. And yeah, it must be quite a marathon, it's always a mess the moment something "non-standard" crops up health wise. It sounds like you keep working hard on it, and if nothing else I hope it's at least nice to have your struggles acknowledged. And.. thank you for the kind words. It made me smile.
>>35630000
Awh, that venonat figurine!
>>35633855
She is great, yes.
>>35633848
Sounds like things are going well overall! And I def am jelly of that croque madame, haven't had one in ages cause no oven.
> and did some DBT worksheets.
oh nice, how do those pan out for you?
>>35633887
>I'm not really sure why I failed in the past now thanks to my memory issues. It may be depression amnesia
hmm.. in that case journaling would be really essential for you as an external harddrive to your memory. Writing down positive things, as well as using it to process your thoughts in a constructive manner.
> it actually was whenever I was mean to you.
it's alright. I'm sorry I upset you.
> I can't force myself out of bed thanks to some mental blockage that I cannot overcome for hours,
>I panic too much to be able to live,
> can't force myself to do stuff no matter if it's something big or small,
You mentioned something about your meds not working properly.. have you been able to talk to your doc about it? Psychiatry is a fucking mess of trial and error from what I've seen, and trying various meds can help give you a better starting point. There are many interlocking issues at play, and I am afraid that having meaningful connections online would almost be as good a start as any. It seems the needs you express the most are social.
1/2';

'bedtime.
>>35634206
>>35633887
As in,
>I cry about being single, lonely and trans all the time,
It's a bit of a curse with Poland, especially if you live in a more rural area. Seeking out other tranners who are at least in the same country could help, but it's ofc not a cure-all. From what you have listed, I would definitely say just getting out of bed (no time limit), eating meals to sustain yourself, and basic self care would be enough for a start paired with ideally a bit of sunlight. It would not fix much but give you a light edge biochemically. It would have a subtle net positive impact. If you had particular interests or aspirations where a project, no matter how small and how slowly it progressed, would come to have meaning after a while.. that would be great. But it seems that the most urgent thing, what really seems to hurt you, is the emotional neglect. You don't have a sense of belonging. And that is awful. I mean.. I will always gladly talk to you for as long as you post here and listen. I can't endorse sui and the like, but... I want you to know I am if nothing else empathetic of your struggles. But when in the pit that can also feel enraging to hear. It's hard to really strike a balance. I mean well, the ways in which I am upsetting come from ineptitude, not from disregard. All that said: looking for people, even online, would be a win. And even if it may mean little to you.. I hope it means something that I genuinely wish you the best and WANT you to get better.';

'>>35634206
>journal
I tried doing it but I stopped doing so after the first day everytime. Also if I cannot recall any memories without outside probing it doesn't mean I don't have them.
>doc
I was supposed to visit them around 15th but my transport would be troublesome so I may as well move it to the next month and give them more time than 3-4 weeks total.
>social
I become a hikiko so it's the first thing I can think of but when I was more social I still felt bad all the time and mostly just wasted my time on meaningless distractions from the pain, back then I haven't been learning anything useful or making any money. And I live in a urban area, it's a ~60k town but with a bad connections to close by towns and cities also I made this post on random discord where I calculated there should be ~117 trans people around my age here including people who don't know about it or haven't commend out of the closet so it would just be hard to find someone like that around me.
>restofthestuf
Getting out of the bed takes me usually few hours, I eat one or two dinners sometimes something else too, have close to zero hygiene because of how bad showers got for me if I can't just speedrun them, when I go outside it's with a dog or to a shop and I do so with as little skin being visible as possible mostly later in a day but I try to do so as little as possible, sometimes I cook but it takes me twice or thrice as long as it should, I can't do anything long term because I just get bored and forget about it/ give up on it not to mention there is nothing left that brings me joy or satisfaction. Also I feel like I mentioned it few times but I were searching for people both onlineand irl and I just couldnt find anyone, its too tiresome and hard and stuff for me to try i tagain also whenever i start to think about it i remember how alone im and i think ill make a lemonade for a chaster and drink abit today maybe cut afterwards even if i hate having to hide my arms afterwards no matter what';

'bump';

'>>35633703
Yeah, US Healthcare system.
>by the doctors?
Usually, yeah. Might be different now that I've moved to a new state but where I was living, doctors usually didn't give a fuck if they actually help fix your issues or not, and if you're not extremely sick or injured they really don't even want to see you in the first place.
I also used to be on state insurance, and a LOT of doctors refuse it outright, and out of the ones that accept it, they usually treat you like shit the entire time.
It's even worse trying to see a doctor as a tranny, as I'm only just recently finding out. A lot of them get really weirdly, autistically fixated on the fact that I'm trans, and act weird as hell the entire time
So I generally avoid doctors other than my endo for HRT, but I absolutely need to go get seen, see if we can't figure out what's causing my exhaustion/dizziness. Lots of temp regulation issues too, but I assume that's the HRT and weight loss';

'>>35631218
I hope you find a nice place, panty-anon. Finding a place to live can be stressful as fuck when you have a time limit, so fingers crossed';

'>>35618456
I’m the anon with the body pic, thank you for your kind words, you made my day better :)
I hope you achieve whatever you set your mind to';

'>>35630000
Checked+I want to live in that patch of grass with venonat
>>35630204
>>35631236
I'm glad you didnt, thank you, Weed
>>35634206
Yeah, it does help a bit. I've found that trying to help people on this board when I can has been a big help too. Sometimes I have the knowledge, sometimes I dont, but when I do have it it feels good to share.
These days I've been isolating myself from my friends. There's a lot of bad things on this board, and I initially came here intending my time spent as a sort of final swan song before killing myself. But the human aspect has kept me from it, because I accidentally started wanting to check up on anons.
It's funny how things like that work.';

'>>35639596
please pretend that I added this picture im sleepy and limp wristed';

'yep
fetisha gp male here
haha
Idk why I am lying to literaly everyone or taking hrt
Its so weird
Just to get a nonboner
lol';

'Bump.';

'Bump from page 9.';

'>>35641381';

'>>35631332
ty kind anon but i'd rather you saved your words & time for someone who'd be able to appreciate and reciprocate such
>>35639596
>I'm glad you didnt, thank you, Weed
jahmen bless, i'd be so fucked without it';

'I gave myself my HRT shot and emailed, called, or applied to 7 places that might help me find my next place to live (and one place that said the waiting list is closed).

I’m trying to make something happen.';

'Man I gotta learn how to drive because it’s getting to me that I have to get off my ass and start exercising because if I don’t I’m going to get fat and depressed and I rather being slim and thriving lmao

I think I’m going to buy like figs and plushies and posters cuz I never made my new room to my room';

'>>35633703
>I actively encourage you to keep up this conversation!
i mean, i guess i could stick around yeah, i just don’t really see the point in it. most of my problems are immediately related to the fact that i don’t pass, and can only be solved if i do pass, which takes time and effort (i’m lonely, i should make friends, i don’t want friends who knew me as a guy, i should stop looking like a guy then make friends)
one thing i might need help with is my desire to start cutting again, but not really. like i haven’t done so in over a year, and baring one close call i’ve never actively had to fight it. it’s just a baseline want for whatever reason. desu i think i might just want to be coddled and told everything will be okay instead of getting advice which isn’t the point of sig, hence my apprehension about staying
>engineer excuses to do things
i see this as pretty useful. that’s why i bothered transitioning, i was gonna kms anyway so may as well take a chance at it. i’ll try keeping this in my mind more.';

'>>35587828
I'm the helltakerposter. Stop stealing my girls';

'>>35646960
you're not, silly. I always encourage people to post them!
Waiiit... Zdrada, is that you?';

'Hello everyone. Just wanted to wish everyone on here a good day and wishing you all some good luck with your lives. You deserve to be happy and anyone who says otherwise is a fraud. If you ever think no one cares about you, remember that I do.';

'>>35631218
>>35645884
Back to the grind it seems, I'm happy for you, Panty. I don't feel like I can add much at the moment, so I am a bit quiet. But I hope it goes without saying that I have faith in you.
>>35638024
Def give it a chance once you have the opportunity, cultures from state to state seem to differ wildly. And I can imagine lotsa docs being creepy and uncomfortable with it, especially since they tend to see any form of automed as a threat to their authority.
>weight loss
Warning, in my experience caloric deficits can make your system unstable too, it may compound the issue.
What's your goal BMI wise?
>>35639010
I'm glad I made you feel good. I think it is important to make people feel seen, heard. It's why I try to respond to as many people as is feasible to me, if I feel I have anything at all to add. And thank you, anon.
>>35639596
You make a difference. I hope you know. People like you keep /sig/ alive, and we all try to prop each other up.
Being needed is a need too, and we are social creatures to a fault. I am happy that I managed to provide the soil for a little community to grow here.
>>35639871
If it is any consolation, imposter syndrome is something I have seen on the daily for 10 years now, and having a couple years of experience now with talking to people with babytrans issues on top I can say with confidence that these feelings don't make you less trans. The doubt esp initially seems crippling and ever present. You can push through it. And I am proud of you for moving forward in spite of it.
>>35645710
nta but.. let me tell you a secret. Especially if you don't feel like you are worth people's effort.. let yourself be helped. Cause a lot of people who from your pov are far worse off feel the same, and the best you can do to make THOSE speak up is speak up about your own issues. It creates a climate of openness. It is not a zero sum game. You are not taking away someone else's help, you make others willing to let themselves be helped.';

'>>35647736
Thank you, anon. It's sweet of you. Do recall that we are here for everyone, you included.
>>35645985
> figs and plushies and posters cuz I never made my new room to my room
YES!! Please do, creature comforts matter.
It sounds like you are going in the right direction overall, happy to hear. Remember that when you feel stuck, even if we can't help you with the nitty gritty, rubber ducking works.
>>35646263
> i just don’t really see the point in it
I actually just said something regarding that earlier: speaking up about things you consider small can actively encourage others who are "worse off" to speak up. It's a net positive.
> told everything will be okay instead of getting advice which isn’t the point of sig,
Some emotional support is perfectly within scope, and as such I do want you to know that I am rooting for you, and that the fact that you spoke up and reached out is a genuinely good sign. You did well, and I am rooting for you.
>. i’ll try keeping this in my mind more.
perfect!
>, i should stop looking like a guy then make friends
it will actually help you looking for friends early. I understand your internal reasoning, you want the people you care for see you as a girl, but at the same time.. you are already actively transitioning, and you need the emotional support now. Emotionally we habe a habit of putting restrictions upon ourselves like this, and often it is brainworms when we critically investigate them. I'm afraid a "I only deserve friends once I pass" mindset would be really bad for you, and to some extent even your chances to pass. Having loved ones wanting you be healthy weight is an excellent cope when you feel like you should lose rather than gain.';

'>>35648302
>I don't feel like I can add much at the moment, so I am a bit quiet
Totally fine! You’re trying to make the biggest difference to the most /sig/ posters with the limited time you have each evening. I’ll always take an “attagirl” from you, and I know you like to reply to everybody, but it’s okay. :)

People did notice I was gone and said they missed me when I took March off from posting, so I just take it on faith that my posts are appreciated here even if nobody replies to them.

I felt depressed today, but I didn’t cry for the first time this week, so I’m definitely doing better.';

'>>35648549
Thanks for the sentiment, but what is rubber ducking?';

'>>35634767
>Also if I cannot recall any memories without outside probing it doesn't mean I don't have them.
it's true but having a written record can aid you is all
>I stopped doing so after the first day everytime
interesting, any particular reason?
>I was more social I still felt bad all the time
I do understand, and if it helps I can try to give you a more thorough reasoning, but an support network of people you trust that you can talk to would definitely add meaning, it provides emotional catharsis. What you need are healthy coping mechanisms to help build you back up little by little. It's hard to get out of a downward spiral, and the steps that are most effective are imperceptibly incremental in the beginning, but compound. You are lonely by your own admission.
> have close to zero hygiene because of how bad showers got for me if I can't just speedrun them
dysphoria I assume, that sucks.. are baths an option? possibly a stupid question. Have you talked to other tranners about this? You are not the first case I have read to have this issue.
>I just get bored and forget about it/ give up on it
this is precisely why I always speak in terms of emotional/rational as something almost dialectic. It takes mental strength to actively work against yourself but you will need to sometimes do things you do not want in the moment to get better. The thing is, you see, motivation loss is temporary. Like I said a while ago, banking on motivation is like building a sand castle on used toilet paper. It never works reliably, not even for healthy people. It ties into what you said earlier, the giving up trying to connect to people the moment you get discouraged. We will need you slowly condition you towards the counterintuitive.
>there is nothing left that brings me joy or satisfaction.
It makes sense, it is more of a symptom in the greater context though. You are in a feedback loop because you are actively sabotaging your own chemical reward mechanisms.';

'>>35648838
It’s an expression in coding. It means explaining a problem you have to someone else (or even just a rubber duck) on the chance that doing this gives you some fresh insight into the problem.';

'Phew.
>>35648838
Programming lingo. Explaining your problem to someone, or even an inanimate object (hence rubber duck) forces you into a mindset where you switch perspectives and have to give someone else a big picture overview over the problem you are facing. That change in perspective often leads you naturally towards the part of the solution.
>>35648585
You are doing great Panty, lots of love.';

'page 9 bump.
Not killing myself today either. Trying to motivate myself to live by thinking about interior design while struggling with family shit.
Thinking about what life would be like if I came out. I want to hurt myself everytime I do, but the thought keeps coming back.
Coping by writing non-pornographic fiction and fanfiction.';

'Bump.';

'>>35648847
>interesting, any particular reason?
I just forget about the next day or from what I understand now it may have something to do with ADHD and amphetamine being illegal without prescription.
>I was more social I still felt bad all the time
What I meant by that is that my problems aren't solely social. Social stuff is just the most visible for me now. Also I said that support networks aren't available for me in every message in this thread so far and that I would like to meet someone who could help me IRL but it would be nearly impossible to find someone like this and I already searched for that person, pay attention or make a word file about me.
>dysphoria I assume
Idk why you mention even more dysphoric and long way of bathing but no. Aside from dysphoria I also get too self conscious of my body and analise it too much or get distracted waiting for hot water with boiler or when I wait for conditioner/peeling to work and just stay in place for idk how long or short.
>I just get bored and forget about it/ give up on it
It's my normal state from pre visible depression era. I don't care about motivation but even before things got really bad I already had to force myself to do things I would know that I would enjoy like seeing a movie/anime or reading. Now the problem is I have to force myself to do anything at all. I have to stop myself from cutting, getting drunk when I'm alone or everyone is sleeping (during the day fear of homelessness helps me lol) even when I know I could make myself into a alcoholic somewhat easily even during panic attacks I knew what is going on and that I have to calm myself down but I just couldn't do it and was shaking and panicking for hours instead. I know all that bullshit but I just can't act on my knowledge or I make a mistake knowing how bad consequences are going to be not to mention times [...]';

'>>35651708
[...] when I also stop carrying about anything or get autodestructive. That's why I'm saying I'm a lost cause, I knew how much I'm neglecting stuff or myself or that I'm making a bad decision for whatever reason and I still haven't stopped myself both before and after the depression era.
>sabotaging your own chemical reward mechanisms
Like how? By not chasing dopamine? By not being able to do stuff? By giving up on things after they stopped doing anything for me? I watched or read or played different things but I just don't see a point in continuing to do so if it's a chore that doesn't brings me any kind of joy or relive. It's not like I don't force myself anymore to even watch anime anymore because I want to feel bad, entertainment became a dreadful thing to me but I tried to stay with it for a while before giving up on it. Now it's just time killing looking at renesanse map game, playing boring moba or watching how bad my youtube has become with only recommended things to me being music, vods of 2 or 3 streamers and vtubers clips about whom I never cared. You could say it's a lucky day for me if I can be recommended one or two good and new videos and even luckier if it's not about some triggering topic so I can watch it instead of saving it for later.';

'>>35648302
Well, my bmi used to be 41 before HRT, because I wasn't really taking care of myself. My bmi is currently 26ish. I'm okay with it being around there, honestly.
But yeah doctors get weird about lots of different stuff. A lot of them seem to try to touch my tits at some point or another, usually just a quick poke or two but it's never ever been during an exam that had anything to do with my boobs.';

'>>35587792
anons, I have something to report, I'm the woobyposter from ages ago and I've almost hit my weight goal, I have 9 more pounds to go, 140 is almost here (technically 137 but I know I'm gonna have some wicked bounce back)

I have some questions, my gf is coming up to visit me soon and I can't wait, we're hitting our 1 year in about 20 days and I want to have wicked loads and I can't get access to any testosterone gel, so is there any supplements any of you can provide to me that don't increase testosterone but help with EQ and volume?

wicked thanks to anyone reading, just gotta survive a little longer';

'>>35647439
Bend over!';

'>>35587792
page 10';

'you guys, go make some tzatziki to eat with a baguette, I forgot how good this shit is holy fuck god is real';

'>>35590675
Sumrak';

'>>35655702';

'the secret to improving is just think 1) what would entj do? 2) do it.

it's literally that simple';

'>>35648302
>nta but.. let me tell you a secret. Especially if you don't feel like you are worth people's effort.. let yourself be helped. Cause a lot of people who from your pov are far worse off feel the same, and the best you can do to make THOSE speak up is speak up about your own issues. It creates a climate of openness. It is not a zero sum game. You are not taking away someone else's help, you make others willing to let themselves be helped.
nah man, the only person who can help you is yourself, venting to others won't truly help beyond providing temporary emotional catharsis till the next day comes
it's not like I feel I'm not worth it, just that it's not worth reaching out and elaborating';

'really about to quit my $200k a year job to try and change careers this late in my life damn';

'>>35658429
>really about to quit my $200k a year job to try and change careers this late in my life damn
from what to what?';

'>>35658479
coding to a different subfield of coding';

'>>35658523
good luck. i am also moving from coding into a different subfield of coding';

'On todays menu, minimal selfcare, and loads of selfloathing
Ill start
Im boring af I think. rather I have nothign going on in my life I can talk about with anyone
Its boring tranny shit I either cant mention or shit everyone already knows and I already know
Who cares
Plus what games? Anime? I have nothing special to add to an discussion on that beyond(I like/dislike this) and then explain that. Its nothing
No i wont pick up new hobbies im busy as is it seems, I cant junggle more shit
Who care anyway
Coding? Boring trash even though I was in a school for it, enbver did anything just lied to people that I was doing ok in it until 10 years later I got kicked out lmao
I cant make anything but stupid little posts like this and ask, beg for attention.
oh and harm my friends I guess? But no im only thinking that becaue I think they dont get what im saying
Why even bother anymore? Maybe I should just not fucking bother. 2 more years of this shit';

'>>35658540
damn please don't be me, are you at least on hrt';

'>>35658694
>are you at least on hrt
yes, are you not?';

'>>35658718
>yes, are you not?
no lmao';

'Do you guys follow a cleaning schedule or just half ass whatever it is you are cleaning whenever you can make "time" for it?';

'>>35648549
> it will actually help you looking for friends early
> and you need the emotional support now
even if i had friends now, i don’t think i’d be able to tell them i’m trans. it doesn’t feel right to claim to be a woman while looking the way i do. i wouldn’t be able to handle the expectations that would be placed on me, on how i look, on how i sound and act. it would make femininity feel performative and masculinity feel like i was lying about being trans. same goes for my family (other reasons as well but it’s complicated).

any clue how i could feel better about myself? i keep getting desperate for attention from random strangers on the internet and it has led me to doing some pretty regrettable things. i can acknowledge that it won’t improve my self image, but the second someone offers i just go for it.
my weekly dnd just got canceled, so i’m gonna try and voice train instead, any advice on how to get over the embarrassment of hearing myself?';

'>>35658598
>On todays menu, minimal selfcare, and loads of selfloathing
No way, I got what you’re having!

You’re feeling a lot of badness today, I see. Seems like the biggest problem is that you are struggling in coding school, do I have that right?

Is there a counselor you can talk to? This seems like more than just that you’re having trouble with the coursework. It also seems like you’re struggling to manage the way your academic challenges are making you feel.

Maybe talking to someone whose job it is to listen to problems and walk you through them will make you feel less like you’re burdening other people by reaching out.

>>35638931
Thanks, yeah, me too. That’s why I’m working hard at this. It might suck, but it’s for the best.

Ugh… I started my day doing another round of housing research, found about seven leads, and then laid around for a spell.

I got some new sunglasses because my last pair broke, and window shopped at a few other places.

Out of curiosity, I opened a new Hinge account, and there are some hot, put-together girls on Hinge. I’ve got my work cut out for me.';

'>>35659143
>No way, I got what you’re having!
>
>You’re feeling a lot of badness today, I see. Seems like the biggest problem is that you are struggling in coding school, do I have that right?
>
>Is there a counselor you can talk to? This seems like more than just that you’re having trouble with the coursework. It also seems like you’re struggling to manage the way your academic challenges are making you feel.
>
>Maybe talking to someone whose job it is to listen to problems and walk you through them will make you feel less like you’re burdening other people by reaching out.
Never have ever cared enough to seek counseling
Never have I ever really bothered with my coding school after the...2 first years? its been 8-9 now.
Guess how many it takes ot finish it, its 5
So yeah I have 20 or so finished courses and I need 25 more plus tip(practical)
not gonna happen in a single year!
What now? I could go into part time studying. Then what? An other 8 years of this? This nothing?
yeah right
They wont give it to me.
Its just over and it never started. I never actually liked coding i think. Some naive dream of being a game dev cause lmao i like games
Lmao
I wanted ot be a zoologist or a psychoanayst too
made one friend in there and he finshed before me and went to live with his wife in england
W/e
Ill just die in a ditch in a couple years anyway';

'Taking a day off today, everyone. I needed some rest. Back in full force tomorrow.';

'>>35661303
rest well, you shouldn’t sacrifice your health for ours. treat yourself with kindness, see you then';

'>>35661303
we'll guard the fort, take care /sig/anon. get some good food and catch some sweet ZZZs';

'Bump. Love is in the air? Wrong! A yellowjacket foundress was in my laundry room.
>>35659097
I dust and vacuum every Thursday.';

'>>35663658
Once more.';

'Should I be here if I’m questioning over whether I should “self-improve”? I’ve been demoralized from past attempts, it just doesn’t feel worth it, and hasn’t been for the past year.';

'>>35659097
uhhhh half ass when I'm drunk, mostly, but I should really make a schedule';

'>>35665292
You could always try. What did you try improving on, anon, and is there anything in particular you could see yourself wanting to try now?';

'Well. Still sober. Not as sad as I was the other day. I feel good. Not great, but good. I had a really on/off date with my gf last night. I wanted to watch a movie with her and have and she just wanted to makeout the whole night. It was nice, I guess, but I really want wholesome cozy nights... I should tell her directly, it happens every time.

That and I've come to realize that I'm not as over my ex as I thought. I saw a picture of her on twitter today and I haven't stopped thinking about her since. I gotta let go of the past, it'll never work again between us. Drunk me made sure of that :/

>>35589107
thanks for the reply. you're right. I could put more effort into finding things I like. Honestly, I think I'm just used to things coming my way and becoming obsessed with them. It was easier when I had a car, I could go to things that interested me or do things that people hypothetically invite me to. I dislike asking for rides. I miss the independence of having a license. Oh well, not too much longer now. I'm pretty optimistic today, I think i've mentioned this in the past but I'm starting to think I needed that car accident to happen. I wouldn't have stopped drinking if I never crashed. Or I would have crashed some other time, but worse. I'm glad no one got hurt, I'm glad I wasn't hurt. Just sucks this is going to economically haunt me for the next 10+ years.

I really wanna be a social butterfly again. I know I have it in me. I just wish I had the motivation to meet people. I'm sure I'll find it eventually. Maybe I'll make the effort to get to an LGBTQ+ AA/NA meeting. Maybe I just need to surround myself with different people who aren't 50+ year old republicans';

'>>35665855
reply meant for>>35589107
I'm never posting with my glasses off ever again, haha. my skincare stuff was drying when I posted that.';

'>>35601810
>>35665862
sigh';

'>>35661303
I hope you rest well anon';

'>>35587792
God I'm tryna plan out the work I need to do on my car and my head feels so legitimately brickwalled I cannot think further ahead than the present moment.
I've been feeling really retarded since becoming very depressed again. Planning something and feeling motivated about it would've been trivial in the past, but now it feels like I can't even think one step ahead. Like I can't take it all in and comprehend it.';

'I’m feeling it today, /sig/.

I contacted a number of housing leads on Friday, and I made a list of more leads yesterday. My therapist told me that I’ve got to try. But I feel like this whole thing is going to be an exercise in running out the clock just to confirm it’s not happening.

And even if I find a new place to live in a blue state, set up a life that I can depend on after my parents are gone, the big picture for trans people is still pretty dire. Even the best case scenarios don’t look good.

Why keep going?';

'>>35587792
page 10';

'Slept until 2pm today. I felt like rotting today and instead tried my best to turn it into more than that.
I promised myself to post today.
>>35650348
What kind of environment are you in socially, what risks and challenges will you have to expect when coming out? It's a gradient after all from fear of being ostracized to... getting killed. I do not recommend repping to anybody, but I do want to hear their stories and not come off as naive or inconsiderate of their often very real, tangible fears.
>>35652067
Oh damn, you've come a very VERY long way already, anon, amazing! I myself went from 37 to 23 and it's amazing how it messed with my heat retention. I used to freeze a lot more last winter. And that's some really bizarre shit. Ever had female doctors? Also, given you are essentially within the normal range, if you experience feelings of almost keeling over from getting up too quickly, do try having a meal and see if it has an impact. I collapsed exactly twice out of stupidity last year, and both times were fixed by eating. Clearly there is more in your case but if it helps, it helps.
>>35652378
No thanks, I'm a top!
>>35655227
God I fucking love making tzatziki. I like to add garlic to the point there is a pleasantly mild sharp tang to it. One of the few things where I think having a garlic press really makes things a bit more efficient.
>>35657313
kek, I haven't looked at mtbi stuff in ages but I do vaguely recall what I was.
>>35658044
It's a bit more nuanced than that. No man is an island, after all.
>, venting to others won't truly help beyond providing temporary emotional catharsis
It's about more than venting, and unfortunately emotional catharsis is not exactly something we can live without. We are not entirely rational beings, after all. And we often have to steer away from the conclusions of our emotional reasoning. Yet we need to make concessions to not go insane.
> just that it's not worth reaching out and elaborating
Hmm.. what makes it so?';

'>>35666830
Know the feeling, it's like everything floats by as an unidentifiable mush. Has anything changed in your life recently that could have worsened it?
>>35667242
Shit, I can understand why you'd feel down. Seeing anything good to aim for in the future is hard when the mind is busy trying to fix the present. Once things get more stable for you it might be easier to imagine what you want, and what is humanly possible to achieve, hopefully. Stressed brains are doomer brains that think in extremes to simplify the world.';

'>>35651708
>>35651716
> it may have something to do with ADHD and amphetamine being illegal without prescription.
what chances do you have of getting possible ADHD looked into?
>What I meant by that is that my problems aren't solely social.
And I never tried to imply the opposite Frem, your issues are compounding and interconnected. And they can't all go away at once. That is what I have been banging on about. You can't
>IRL but it would be nearly impossible
yes, poland and all. And I also know you tried, even online. Never have I said you have not tried, and I didn't mention IRL. But let's drop that approach then.
> By not chasing dopamine?
> By giving up on things
Unfortunately.. those two, yes, in a sense. I don't know if you looked into our resources in the past, as you noticed my memory is not the best, but one of the key things with depression is that by instinct humans fucking spiral into killing themselves with amazing efficiency. Most people don't wake up one day with 0 energy to leave the bed. They gravitate towards leaving the house less, wasting away on screens more, rotting in bed more, eating worse, neglecting themselves more, dedicating hours towards surrounding themselves with negativity (doomscrolling is a great example). Not everything you would have enjoyed in the past is gonna help if you force yourself to do it anyway. Watching videos you would have enjoyed before depression and passive consumption of media in my experience is not the greatest example. Creative hobbies and things where there is a proactive element and source of fulfillment seem better there. I also have yet to see video games or books or anything like that really manage that. Unfortunately sometimes things you possibly never liked have a better chance too, like exercise. This is not some boomer truism. That aside though.. depending on just how far down the spiral you are seeking out hospitalization would be an option.. but in poland? No clue. It's my riskiest suggestion.';

'>>35670907
>What kind of environment are you in socially, what risks and challenges will you have to expect when coming out?
Mmm... I am in a position where I am reliant on my family's help to live, and some of them have had mental health issues that have made them unstable enough that I felt at risk. There have been long periods of time where I'd stay up at night instead of being awake during the day, simply because walking around in the same kitchen as them could be a potential trigger. At the same time, their mental health issues also mean that I have a well-founded fear of them killing themselves if I choose to come out at the wrong time.
> I like to add garlic to the point there is a pleasantly mild sharp tang to it.
This is the best! If my breath isn't slightly stinky afterward chowing through a few spoonfuls of it I haven't done it right.';

'>>35670907
>It's a bit more nuanced than that ... It's about more than venting
Could you elaborate? Afraid I don't follow xd
>Unfortunately emotional catharsis is not exactly something we can live without
True, but I've not much choice in the matter really. What waits after that catharsis is another torrent of shit, just an endless, torturous ebb and flow of detonation and diffusion of feelings.
There's a lot happening that I have no control over, feels unfruitful to discuss from the perspective of catharsis since there's no solution.
>We are not entirely rational beings, after all. And we often have to steer away from the conclusions of our emotional reasoning. Yet we need to make concessions to not go insane.
Also very true. In my circumstances though, I think suicide is more rational than reactionary, or at least becoming more-so over time.
>Hmm.. what makes it so?
The fact that it's temporary. Nobody can fix your problems but you, nobody cares about you but you. Catharsis is great if it offers a window where you can keep trucking on and making progress, but I make none.
I've got a lot of shit on my plate. It takes a lot of emotional & cognitive effort to elaborate, all for nothing in my opinion. All for it to boil down to "you just have to force yourself to do it"
Sure, I'd force myself if I had an ounce of energy left in my body, but I'm so fucking exhausted and done with enduring pain and fighting multiple uphill battles for nothing. Nada. 0 results, only regression, more loss, pain.
Flip side of that is people acknowledging the hopelessness of my situation, which isn't exactly helpful either.
Also kinda hijacking convos here but - Tzatziki is awesome, I used to make it when I made gyros (lol)';

'>>35671165
>Stressed brains are doomer brains
Thanks for responding. Good advice! I’ll try to keep that in mind. Much appreciated.';

'>>35671426
Np! Glad it seemed useful, and hope things take a turn for the better for you soon!
>>35671359
>Also kinda hijacking convos here but - Tzatziki is awesome, I used to make it when I made gyros (lol)
Man I could really go for one right now lol';

'>>35671165
>Know the feeling, it's like everything floats by as an unidentifiable mush. Has anything changed in your life recently that could have worsened it?
Yea, too many things to count. Happens all the time when I feel like I'm making progress in my life. One step forward, three steps back. This is the first time I've felt completely crushed by depression in a long time though.
Still managed to get through & bulletpoint the relevant chapters in the workshop manual tho. Tidied & organized the garage after family had a field day with it. No sleep tonight so will hopefully make a start first thing tomorrow. Insomnia-driven dissociative haze propped up by copious amounts of amphetamine and coffee, woooo!';

'>>35670907
>Slept until 2pm today. I felt like rotting today and instead tried my best to turn it into more than that.
>I promised myself to post today.
I hope you are having a great day despite the moods';

'>>35652371
AWESOME, anon!
>, so is there any supplements any of you can provide to me that don't increase testosterone but help with EQ and volume?
Hmm.. sadly not that I know of. I remember the old cum volume guides from /b/ that circluated for over a decade but I have never heard of anyone actually trying them. Personally my experience is just be horny, well hydrated and do not cum for extended periods of time and you're golden. That is purely anecdotal though.
>>35658757
>>35658429
...MLAnon, that you?
>>35663658
yeet the creature
>>35659097
For cleaning specifically I set up a dynamic schedule. As in.. when I know something needs cleaning I create a rule I abide by. "Take out some trash/clean a plate/whatever every time you walk past it". It works reliably to keep my kitchen tidy and my floor junk free.
>>35659127
> it doesn’t feel right to claim to be a woman while looking the way i do. i wouldn’t be able to handle the expectations that would be placed on me, on how i look, on how i sound and act. it would make femininity feel performative and masculinity feel like i was lying about being trans. same goes for my family (other reasons as well but it’s complicated).
> any advice on how to get over the embarrassment of hearing myself?
hmm.. I have talked to a lot of tranners about this, and one thing that helps lots of them is actually having another more experienced tranner to talk to about it. It can also cause brainworms of course because she will be further ahead in transitioning, but.. maybe it would also generally feel safer with having at least another trans girl to talk to? I mean.. imposter syndrome is a genuinely real issue, I see it crop up all the time, and not only in this context. Having someone you can FEEL won't pressure you or expect things because they were in your exact shoes once can help.
A lot of people who voice train struggle with feeling a lack of progress I noticed, since it's gradual. Some sort of metric or record keeping could help.';

'>>35659127
>>35671944
To add one more thing: Self image issues, more broadly, can sometimes be dealt with through mental exercises. Think of it this way: thoughts of self loathing eventually become habitual in subtle ways, the converse can be fostered to. Remembering things you take pride in as well as things you are grateful for in others or strive to be more like can ground us.
>>35658598
You are devaluing your own thoughts, feelings and opinions a great deal, anon. You are missing a key element of communication. A lot of people don't care about whether what you have to say is groundbreaking. They want someone to enjoy things with together, engage with their interests, relate. None of that needs an exciting life.
Have we talked before?
>>35661332
>>35661719
>>35666382
Thank you all. I'm trying my best. It's not always easy for me either, but I am struggling along.
>>35665292
Yes you are more than welcome. I mean.. you don't want to be miserable. So I do think you wanna get better. You just don't want the hurt of trying and failing, right? So.. what have you tried, and why have you stopped/given up?
>>35665855
You should definitely talk it out, needs are a difficult thing to balance but you deserve it, too!
As for your ex.. yeah I get it. Looking back though, remember a discussion we had long, long ago where I asked you whether it really was her, or the idea of how you remember her, that you miss?
> I think I'm just used to things coming my way and becoming obsessed with them.
ah yes, natural curiosity, a lovely thing.. I remember having had that too. In my case the flames here snuffed by the mundanity of work, but it is not like I don't sometimes long for more innocent wonder I used to feel. One day I may reclaim it. We both can and will as we try to optimize our circumstances and challenge our comfort zones.
>>35665873
<3';

'>>35671238
Out of money for diagnosis and my psychiatrist is too professional to just give me amphetamines plus there is a small social panic about ADHD people making diagnoses to get high legally.
>That is what I have been banging on about
I wouldn't said you did but sure, for me it just sounded like you wanted me to touch grass and it would fix half of my problems for a short term.
>Never have I said you have not tried
As above you seemed pushy about it and like you forgot I already said it's a impossible thing for now.
>The last part
I had to force myself to eat or take care of myself long before things got bad to the point where I was thinking about counting kcals to not lose weight. Even when I wasn't going outside often I still talked with my IRL friends while playing online.Consumption of media was fun for me when it was more active with trying to analise and predict everything but idk how valid it is as something not passive. I suck at painting, drawing and can't really write. Not to mention how bad I feel whenever I saw how bad my things are while I don't make any progress at the same time. Also I jump from thing to thing too fast to write even a short story. And you forget about minecraft or similar things where you create, I was even trying to rebuild my first building in it after leadhead video but I gave up on that idea.I was thinking about biking as a chill way of getting legs and butt but in the end I just sit in the home and still don't want to go outside if I don't have to. Mental hospitals from what I heard are good only to prevent yourself from committing a suicide, also no DIY HRT there so I would have to wait 7 more weeks to get prescription.';

'>>35671616
>Man I could really go for one right now lol
Everyday is good day for gyro
(I say that but would probs regret it quite quick since they're mega rich/dense/heavy lol)
Only happy memories associated with gyros so maybe I need to eat them more';

'I recently got fired from my retail job, I have paid May's rent, but, I have no idea what I'm gonna do now. I'm scared. I've applied for countless jobs on Indeed and ZipRecruiter, but idk what else to do. I'm a tranny, one of my friends suggested going to a temp agency, but aren't those just like warehouse jobs?';

'Here's a crop of a larger image for the anon that waifus Pandemonica.
>>35666830
Hmm... can you maybe express it in terms of what is wrong with the car?
>>35671165
>Stressed brains are doomer brains that think in extremes to simplify the world.
emotional states are immensely insidious like that. Even something as simple as hunger can fuck us over.
>>35671301
>This is the best!
Based, I always make it when I make for example make wraps at home, usually with cheddar, chicken which I season in various ways, mushrooms, fresh veggies, onions, and a few crushed up tortilla chips for crunch. It's an odd combo but my roommates used to make it when I was a student, comfort food hence.
So you are in a prickly situation overall... what would need changing about your circumstances that you can come out safely, in other words what is in the way of your independence? And do you have friends and loved ones you are out to? You need that.
>>35671711
It will be fine, yeah. After I am mostly done with /sig/ I'll take a shower and make a coffee.
Thank you though, genuinely.';

'>>35672454
>It will be fine, yeah. After I am mostly done with /sig/ I'll take a shower and make a coffee.
>Thank you though, genuinely.
I always want to know you are doing well. And I hope you rebound stronger. You can rest any day you want, you can ignore the thread for a few days. Anything you like. If you need to rest you need to rest.
Dont push yourself and always always take the best of care<3';

'>>35671359
>Could you elaborate? Afraid I don't follow xd
gladly. Venting is the immediate catharsis part of reaching out and speaking openly about issues. But recall that a lot of people think speaking up about not feeling good is somehow bad in general, so they bottle up everything until they are overwhelmed and immensely hurting. Letting people speak up about little things, which then are only vents sure, creates a climate about being open about negative things, making people who are afraid of speaking up over things that need attention more likely to actually do. It's about lowering inhibitions to speak up because everybody that needs to the most will try to be the exception to that. "Oh it's not important enough" mindset.
>There's a lot happening that I have no control over,
these things.. we can only try to cope with, yes. But finding healthy copes for that is the best we can do there..
>Nobody can fix your problems but you,
that is usually true for internal issues, but it does not mean one has to come up with the solution on their own. >nobody cares about you but you.
that I can't agree with like that.
>Tzatziki is awesome
it is delicious, absolutely.
>Sure, I'd force myself if I had an ounce of energy left in my body, but I'm so fucking exhausted and done with enduring pain and fighting multiple uphill battles for nothing.
I fully understand where you are coming from. Especially on those times more intensive care would actually help. Recuperation CAN be helped with externally, after all. Having people emotionally support you would give a tiny, TINY amount of energy. It would not be much, but.. I have seen people drag themselves from the brink with little. They were not built different, but they were lucky.
>>35672422
It strongly depends in my experience, agencies from country to country are different sadly so what I know would likely not apply. What about small jobs to keep you afloat through peers? Maybe a friend of a friend knows someone.';

'>>35672454
>Hmm... can you maybe express it in terms of what is wrong with the car?
I need to:
>replace timing belt + auxiliary accessories/seals
>redo oil pan seals
>inspect the head + assoc innards (seals, valves, bearings etc etc.)
>inspect pistons/walls, clean etc etc.
>possibly replace head gasket
>look at master brake cylinder, possibly replace
>replace brake rotors + pads
>replace struts + shocks
>inspect tie rods, CV joints, etc etc.
i have to disassemble like half the engine so
and also have another car rusting away i neglected that's stressing me tf out';

'>>35671628
>Still managed to get through & bulletpoint the relevant chapters in the workshop manual tho.
>Tidied & organized the garage
Hey, that's better than nothing, and more than I've done all day lol. Not that that takes away from your feeling of being crushed by depression, but it's worth recognizing the successes you've had in spite of it.
Sleep issues and dissociation are such a pain in the ass.
>Happens all the time when I feel like I'm making progress in my life.
Hm not sure if this applies to you, but do you feel like making progress scares you, to some extent? I know it's like that for me, at least, and that can sometimes be the reason why I end up extra depressed and dissociated: because progression means that you will be moving towards a new position where you, potentially, have more to lose if you fall again.

>>35672303
Same, it's a great comfort food. Reminds me of my grandpa.

>>35672454
Oh man, I love doing the tortilla chip thing too, what are the odds. Or roasted sesame seeds or crushed peanuts.
I don't know if there ever will be a scenario in which it'll be 100% safe for me, tbr. Can't just run away and cut all contact either, because that would trigger their mental illnesses too, and I don't like the thought of having blood on my hands.
I'm out to most of my friends these days though, so at least that part is good. Though... For some of them I feel like I'd lose them if I went into actual transition instead of sticking to openly aknowledging that I'm a repper when asked.';

'3 questions:
-How big booba can you hide with sports bra, ow visible are they and should I get one with AA cup? This is mostly paranoia question I don't think mine will be visible any time soon
-How to hide cut marks? I try to cut shallow enough not to leave scars.
-Is it stupid to get kratom in clear web if it's illegal in my country but it's legal in neighboring EU country?

Also perfect timing for getting ignored >>35671238 >>35672115';

'>>35672512
ah yea I think you've said that to me before actually, or somebody has at least
i'm probably not in the right mindset to talk about this (if ever lol) but
>these things.. we can only try to cope with, yes. But finding healthy copes for that is the best we can do there..
i don't really care for healthy copes though
i really don't care about myself, the outcomes, and have nothing to lose
>that is usually true for internal issues, but it does not mean one has to come up with the solution on their own
unfortunately you still need to be the one to act on those solutions, alone, against adversity
i don't need anyone to tell me the solution - had to learn self determination and independence from the start
>I fully understand where you are coming from. Especially on those times more intensive care would actually help. Recuperation CAN be helped with externally, after all.
shame there's no such thing
>Having people emotionally support you would give a tiny, TINY amount of energy. It would not be much, but.. I have seen people drag themselves from the brink with little. They were not built different, but they were lucky.
said it all here really - all comes down to luck in the end
also just fucking broke my phone so that's another list of shit that's fucked in my life that im not in the fucking position to fix';

'>>35673838
>How big booba can you hide with sports bra, ow visible are they and should I get one with AA cup?
Depends on what you wear over it, but if you have AA tits it'll make you flat no matter what. I'd say around a C-cup is when sports bras stop making breasts flat enough to be considered flat.

>How to hide cut marks? I try to cut shallow enough not to leave scars.
Again, depends on what you have. I'm not going to tell you to stop cutting, yadda yadda, because you know that already: if you absolutely can't stop, I'd suggest going for less obvious spots, such as areas covered by shoes, underwear, etc.. That way you'll have more outfit options and it won't feel as risky when you have to take off coats and so on in front of others.
Can't help you with the kratom, sadly, as I have 0 relevant knowledge :/';

'>>35673607
>Hey, that's better than nothing, and more than I've done all day lol. Not that that takes away from your feeling of being crushed by depression, but it's worth recognizing the successes you've had in spite of it.
Basically no other choice but to do it xd
I can recognize it, but these things still bounce straight off me and make no impact on my feelings
>Sleep issues and dissociation are such a pain in the ass.
Yea, sleeplessness sucks so bad. Dissociation I crave in times like these though - it's too stressful otherwise.
>Hm not sure if this applies to you, but do you feel like making progress scares you, to some extent? I know it's like that for me, at least, and that can sometimes be the reason why I end up extra depressed and dissociated: because progression means that you will be moving towards a new position where you, potentially, have more to lose if you fall again.
In hindsight, sometimes. Usually because, when I do reflect, it's at a time where I'm starting to trend downhill, and looking back on everything I feel embarrassed/ashamed alongside dread towards the new responsibilities I've taken on.
Ashamed because I'm not actually that "cool", "interesting", capable person I made myself out to be - it was just a facade and I'm actually pathetic under it all. Failure to consistently live up to my own expectations, basically.
Otherwise I really crave progress. I want nothing more than to leave this shit life behind and start anew.
>Same, it's a great comfort food. Reminds me of my grandpa.
Ah that's comfy. Raki & Cypriot coffee reminds me of mine. Good memories.
(Also great hangover food too i m o)';

'Took a shower and so on.
>>35671238
noticed I fucked up one sentence but I think it's fine.. my bad.
>>35672115
pardon the delay, this needed more thining.
> it just sounded like you wanted me to touch grass and it would fix half of my problems for a short term.
nope, I never wish to make light of people's suffering. The thing with depression unfortunately is that apart from life being shit which usually takes a great deal of time and energy to fix. Friends don't grow on trees, family issues don't change over night, jobs need finding, moving needs.. ugh. You get the idea. It's usually immensely overwhelming to people that are down the rabbit hole far enough. That is not to say they cannot make it, but energy to do anything can be reclaimed incrementally. That usually means starting with far less important and urgent things. I would not ask of small things like going outside, eating and the like if the strategy of incrementally piling small energy boosters would not be one of the more effective ones.
> Also I jump from thing to thing too fast to write even a short story.
We also have a couple of resources coping with ADHD in terms of planning, I feel like whatever you settle on trying that could help a great deal.
> also no DIY HRT there so I would have to wait 7 more weeks to get prescription.
it would definitely be a last resort in this case, but I do genuinely worry about you.
>t but in the end I just sit in the home and still don't want to go outside if I don't have to.
there are a good few tricks to try and lower the barrier that needs to be overcome, such as having an outdoors outfit ready to go.
By the way, would you generally say your emotions are difficult to control and that you often struggle to maintain a stable view of someone? For example, do you often feel going back and forth of whether someone hates you, or you hate them, at a rapid pace?';

'>>35672489
Sweet of you, anon. I'm just along for the ride. Ended up being a little late for coffee, but I hope you know I genuinely appreciate your affectionate response.
Thank you, I try my best. We all do.
>>35673429
Regarding the rust, I am not a big car person, so I was about to ask whether a sacrificial anode would provide a temporary fix to the rust issue but it seems that it works not as well for cars.
You did excellently listing the issues though, anon! A common technique to solve problems like this is called rubber ducking, meaning I make you explain to me what you need doing, which helps you productively gather your thoughts to plan. Let's take, for example, redoing the oil pan seals. Does that depend on anything else? Is there a clearly most or least urgent thing on the list? Or one that can be done independently of the rest? Which one takes the least time?
>>35673607
Oh damn, yeah roasted sesame is absolutely great too! I understand where you are coming from but of course you can't end up driving yourself close to sui/severe emotional instability to save relatives. I understand where you are coming from though, and I get you are afraid. Are there any existential things that would need doing for you to be able to move out, for example?';

'Okay I think that is plenty for a night.
>>35674038
>i'm probably not in the right mindset to talk about this (if ever lol) but
Well, I am gently prodding you in spite of that because I want people to get better. It does not mean I am necessarily good at it, sadly.
>i really don't care about myself,
there are carrots I could dangle here. Cause.. even I don't do things for *myself*. I don't work that way. But all the copes and ways to coax ourselves to do what is best for us only work if we tie it to things that matter to us. In my case, being good to other people (esp loved ones) helps me help myself.
> had to learn self determination and independence from the start
that... is not always a good thing. As in, independence does NOT mean you cannot emotionally rely on other people to an extent. The way you phrase it sounds a lot like what I hear from people who had a neglectful upbringing, I hope it's not rude to say. It's just that there are important lessons to be had on the front that we are fundamentally social creatures, and there is no value in killing oneself by suffering in silence.
>shame there's no such thing
It's really shitty a lot of the time, especially with circumstances that we have no control over. I sadly don't know much about your situation and thus can't give actionable advice on anything. And yes, luck... unfortunately, plays a role. However, that means that persistence and trial and error are important strategies. Just.. finding a suitable source of energy to maintain is the hard part, and usually begins with small "bullshit" things that do not solve our problems but give us something - anything - to cope with.';

'>>35671944
>>35672114
okay! even though i live in a fairly conservative place, my uni has a queer club. i’ll look into it more and see if i can’t find a “mentor” of some kind to help. alternatively i could try frengen if uni turns out to be a bust. that’s all form me for now! i’ll be back at some point though. please please please take care of yourself. you truly make a difference and deserve all the respect and kindness and support you’ve freely given out to so many people, till then!';

'>>35674493
>The way you phrase it sounds a lot like what I hear from people who had a neglectful upbringing, I hope it's not rude to say.
nah it's fine, ik some people get defensive over stuff like that
basically that way for 90% of people on this planet, seldom know anyone who didn't have a shit childhood
which is a big part of the problem in itself really
>there is no value in killing oneself by suffering in silence.
there is no value in a meager existence such as my own either, let alone one fraught with suffering
truthfully there is no value in anything, it's a purely subjective feeling born from consciousness
>It's really shitty a lot of the time, especially with circumstances that we have no control over. I sadly don't know much about your situation and thus can't give actionable advice on anything. And yes, luck... unfortunately, plays a role. However, that means that persistence and trial and error are important strategies. Just.. finding a suitable source of energy to maintain is the hard part, and usually begins with small "bullshit" things that do not solve our problems but give us something - anything - to cope with.
i wish i felt any sense of accomplishment or fulfillment from doing anything
>Okay I think that is plenty for a night.
take care anon, all the best';

'>>35674401
>Regarding the rust, I am not a big car person, so I was about to ask whether a sacrificial anode would provide a temporary fix to the rust issue but it seems that it works not as well for cars.
You basically have to cut your losses at some point, and boy do I *really* not want to do that.
>You did excellently listing the issues though, anon! A common technique to solve problems like this is called rubber ducking, meaning I make you explain to me what you need doing, which helps you productively gather your thoughts to plan.
Ya am familiar with the term, from a SWEng bg myself (<:
Definitely helps when the problem seems too overwhelming or complex
>Let's take, for example, redoing the oil pan seals. Does that depend on anything else? Is there a clearly most or least urgent thing on the list? Or one that can be done independently of the rest? Which one takes the least time?
Yea this is basically how my brain works. I have a list of things to do on the way down, just it's fallen out my head over time. Having to refamiliarize myself w/the engine platform is quite daunting. Much easier when driven by hyperfixation.
Pan is to come after the belt. During the belt I need to take off accessories that are in the way of that, so belt comes first. Same with the head. Order is belt -> head -> pan (have to support the engine since I need to drop it, less weight the better)
I can't remember everything without a reference due to sleeplessness now brickwalling my brain, but I'm bullet-pointing it out as I go through the manual, just to familiarize myself and make the task feel less daunting.';

'>>35674208
I can't force myself to eat more than I already do and going outside doesn't seem like a good idea for now. I sleep thru most of the day it's both too cold and too hot during the same day (probably that's a issue with me eating too little) and I don't want to go out but I said it milion times already :<
>We also have a couple of resources coping with ADHD in terms of planning
Probably nothing new if I don't recall it but I may look into it again later
>I do genuinely worry about you
People are doing worst and start from a worst point than me. Also you can just gaslight yourself that I got angry at that thread in case of sudden death.
>la cu ka racha
I wear the same clothes all day if they aren't dirty except for now when my hygiene got bad and I don't change my clothes in home between showers so no need for different biking "totally not" [very] gay clothes or something like that for walking or whatever.
I don't think I'm autistic. I thought myself to not look at people thanks to often talking with someone during some work, bad eyesight, often looking down thanks to problems with reflex shrinking eyes in bright light. But if I have glasses am in a room and don't have to think hardly about something than there's no problem with that. I had problems with anger when I was a kid and got even more ignored but I learned to control somewhat quickly for being a "abandoned" kid and it stays that way as long as if I'm not in autodestructive-want everything to burn-don't care about consequences mood or it gets overwhelming once in a while. And how much is rapid pace? I guess not hours or days with exception of emotional arguments when you just need to chill out to understand the other person. I never had any special interests that lasted for more than a week at the longest but even that would be a stretch for most things so I would say it's a hyperfixation teritory. I forgot rest autistic traits so yeah low probability of that.
I hate being horny';

'>>35674144
But should I buy AA bras to flatten things and stick to them or buy bigger and bigger ones as needed? And are they visible under shirts or not on the average? And any recommendations? Also I forget to say it at the start thanks for answer';

'I also forget to ask, if you're a tranny from EU who tried to get on official HRT would your psych doctor give you test with question asking about strangely neurodivergent traits as a regular part of the examination? I get why mine would want to check that stuff with me but she sold it as something else and now that I reminded myself of that I'm curious.';

'>>35587792
anons what should i do next
>be me 24 mtf, started at 20
>moved out with cis ex at 21
>sex drive declines as hrt does its thing
>horrible experience she had bpd
>tldr i become manic / psychotic
>dad dies (close to him, sad)
>gf leaves for plethora of reasons, validly
>basically ace atp
>lose apartment
>for the record i got help for the mania that was hrt induced the drs think idk hasnt happened since
>am homeless for 3 months hotel hopping, ugly and ace
>no savings
>severe alcoholism
>need rehab
>go
>get bullied severely into detrans by rehab people
>detrans, depression, induce twinkdeath
>near suicide
>move back in to childhood home at 23
>get employed finally fulltime
>4 mtf tranners work there
>get confident, start losing weight
>retrans, am accepted but ik im a hon
>losing lot of weight
>248->176 oct 2023 -> may 2024
>lowest ever weighed was 153 when i was 18
>not making enough to move out on my own
>want to get skinnier / fit / fatter ass
>trying to eat out less
>realize im not 'allowed' to use kitchen
>???
>dumb family rule
>starts passing more
>malefails even as 6'2
>owo
>still want fatter ass but im just not eating anymore its easier lol
>what the fuck i want to improve from this point and i know i could i dont know what to do next
>have a therapist but i yap the whole hour

love you anon if you read it but idk i think i need a strong chaser bf to make sure i dont miss my doses and go crazy again who might be okay with a tranner whos never touched prog yet and isnt horny 24/7

but also suggestions for life would be cool. i dont make a lot but i enjoy my job and the comfortability i have there as a mtf, i only make 16.50 an hr and in theory at full time i should be able to afford...idk something? right?? sorry i am STONED and yapping. i did laundry and washed my hair, shaved, did some affirmations and voice training

if you cant think of any advice for my situation, i ask you

what did you do today and do you have more plans';

'>>35671944
>...MLAnon, that you?
...
yes
how'd you know';

'bump';

'>>35670907
>you've come a very VERY long way already
It's crazy what all has changed in the last year and a half, honestly.
>it messed with my heat retention
Same, I get so cold so easily now! But the spiro made me get a heat sensitivity too, so I overheat just as easily. That's been fun
>ever had female doctors?
Yes, my endo is female, and funny enough she's the only doctor that hasn't tried to grope my tits or ass. I was seeing a male endo for a bit, older guy, super nice. But very clearly liked trannies like that, and made every effort to physically touch me all over to "gauge how well I can expect fat redistribution to work". I also got blatantly groped by several people the last two times I had to go to the emergency room. So I definitely am picky with doctors at this point.
As far as food goes, it absolutely is a problem sometimes. I don't feel hungry as often or as strongly anymore, I've forgotten to eat for up to 30 hours a couple times now, felt like crap until I ate';

'>>35675801
Np!
Unless it's one of those super stretchy ones you'll mess up your back and/or blood flow by using sportsbras that are too small, so I'd size up as needed. Sticking to a smaller size for flattening might sound smart in theory, but in practice the bands and openings for arms etc. will be uncomfortable, and your breasts will spill out of the cup, leading to the opposite of what you want (i.e. It will look more noticable if you wear something ill-fitting).
For reduced visibility under shirts go for bras in a colour similar or close to your skin tone. Stay clear of pure white bras, as these will be visible even underneath white shirts and t-shirts. Pure black bras can work under black t-shirts, but will show up under brighter colours.
So in conclusion, for maximum flattening without going for a binder, and minimal visibility under shirts, a skin tone coloured sports bra in the right size worn under something slightly loose works best.
>>35675991
I'm not doing it myself, but I've heard of friends and friends of friends being asked similar questions, yes. I know one of my friends refused an autism diagnosis because it made him worried that they wouldn't let him on T.';

'>>35674401
>of course you can't end up driving yourself close to sui/severe emotional instability to save relatives.
Well fuck, back to the drawing board.
Shitty jokes about my very real suicidality aside, I'm actually in the process of moving out right now. The thing is that that won't stop me from being connected to them, or exposed to their feelings towards me. The two I'm afraid afraid would sui don't write or call much, but I have others who do. Sometimes family members call me, or meet up with me, almost solely to feed me family drama, or try to steer me towards their side of whatever conflict is going on. It's a bit better now that some of them are estranged, but... I'm a bit worried they're going to seek me out again at some point. I'm not really sure what I can do to get out of it or change it, to be honest. It feels like the best I can do is just live my life half-way in the closet until they die.

>>35674155
>make no impact on my feelings
Relatable, sadly. 0 dopamine from finishing tasks I'm meant to do.
>Dissociation I crave in times like these though - it's too stressful otherwise
also relatable lmao
>In hindsight, sometimes.
Hmm, what you describe here sounds eeriely similar to how I am. Out of curiousity, do you have an ADHD diagnosis? Because it turns out that and some associated trauma was the root cause for me.
>Raki & Cypriot coffee
Hah ah Raki I'm so conflicted on: I dislike the taste, but it's nostalgic. Ouzo for me instead.
(also: yes great hangover food indeed)';

'>>35676138
>get bullied severely into detrans by rehab people
gods that is fucked up anon. sorry you had to go through that.

As for advice you could try sitting down and brainstorm, do a little soul searching to figure out what you love here in life? Try to make it things you can do on your own, since netting a strong chaser bf/finding someone you love might take a while. Do you have any hobbies you want to delve deeper into? Do you want to see if you can make more money so you can afford living on your own, or with roomies? Or maybe you want to see if you can do some travelling?
You could also look into smaller, more instantaneous things to improve your quality of life.
Maybe since you can't use the kitchen you could look into buying a cheap rice cooker for your room? Those can make some banging meals, if you know what you're doing.';

'>>35587792
page 9';

'>>35681825
again';

'>>35587792
trying to actually eat better, cook for myself, getting enough exercise (for the moment walking and biking) and hydration. Seems to be working.
I hope by the end of it i feel a bit more loveable
is coping through self-improvement the way?';

'Sorry if this is a bit too broad a question, but do any of you have advice on what to look for/avoid when looking for a therapist?

I tried getting one like a year ago, but wait times were really long (especially cause I had to rely on the super cheap/free ones which are always full) and once I actually got calls back from a few I was deep in the hole again, so I lied and said I already got stuff covered.

Well, now I can even go for the normal, expensive ones, but I kinda don't know how to distinguish between the "good" and "bad" ones.

Probably shouldn't have waited this long to try again, but oh well. Maybe I can have an appointment before August.';

'hi /sig/
tomorrow i will try my best to talk to this cute boygirl i cant stop thinking about
usually im too nervous
so hopefully ill being making an improvement tomorrow!';

'>>35683725
Go for it anon!! You can do it!!!
>>35683723
Maybe this isn't that useful, but I'd suggest going for someone who 1) doesn't seem too boastful on their website 2) seems slightly quirky themselves. The best therapists I've had have been the ones that were quirky nerds.';

'>>35683395
once more';

'I have stopped counting cals since I was only 3kg (~6lb) away from my target weight, mostly doing some very light IF. My current target is losing about .5 kg/wk , and it has been going at a steady pace. I first lost weight too rapidly doing this off the cuff, then a little too slowly. 2kg to go.
>>35674508
> seldom know anyone who didn't have a shit childhood
it really seems a rare privilege, especially in lgbt circles.
> it's a purely subjective feeling born from consciousness
meaning is made, true.. I mean, at my darkest times it was often enough for me if there was someone I cared for I could make happy and support. Everyone is wired differently.
>i wish i felt any sense of accomplishment or fulfillment from doing anything
stuff like gratitude journaling and mental exercises of various kinds (CBT and such) seem to work in such cases to an extent. Some people also like to cling to things that matter to them philosophically. Does any of that sound worthwhile?
>>35674882
> from a SWEng bg myself (<:
ah, awesome! Then you can see what I tried to accomplish. It seems to have worked, too. You think I did a good job explaining it?
>Order is belt -> head -> pan
>, but I'm bullet-pointing it out as I go through the manual, just to familiarize myself and make the task feel less daunting.
perfect! If you feel stuck or overwhelmed at any point, I can ask more questions. And be sure to keep us posted even if you are stuck.
>>35675771
>Probably nothing new if I don't recall it but I may look into it again later
some people really like the yt channel howtoadhd it seems, but generally.. I treasure all feedback.
>said it milion times already :<
yes.. and I don't wanna lead you in circles.
>People are doing worst and start from a worst point than me.
I get what you mean but I must categorically reject the notion, or else I would discourage those that have it worst.
1/2';

'I sent some emails and made some calls today, still looking for a new place to live.

I made an appointment about getting a “case manager,” meaning someone who does this kind of legwork for disabled adults who might have trouble doing it themselves. So, maybe that’s a ray of hope? We’ll see.

In hindsight, I should have been looking for a case manager a long time ago. I just didn’t realize it was a thing.

One housing program is out because I would need a case manager to apply to it for me, and I can’t stay on the waiting list if I have to leave Maryland. (Some waiting lists just prioritize local residents, some require you to live in the area, it seems).

So I’m just still trying to unfuck my life, bit by bit, and understanding a little more each day how behind I am on that I guess.';

'How the fuck do I make friends after having moved to a new place?';

'>>35675771
2/2
>I don't think I'm autistic.
emotional regulation issues can take all sorts of forms and since I am not a shrink I can only make allusions to what might be worth checking. I was more thinking the BPD direction since trauma especially really can really fuck with things on that front.
Hmm.. indoor exercises would be perfectly fine too, combined with letting fresh air in on the reg and trying not to stay in the same room all day. Do you have a living room? Or is your own room the only one where you are at peace?
>>35676930
Either I am a god amongst men, or you have a very characteristic writing style and manner of thinking. No offense but someone really ought to boyremove you at this rate.
>>35676138
>>get bullied severely into detrans by rehab people
what an absolutely vile thing, sorry you went through that, by god am I glad you recovered!
>153lb@6'2
that's a BMI of roughly 19, I hope you didn't lose any more weight since!
Lemme start by telling you that you have plenty of reason to be immensely proud of yourself, and I hope you know.
>i should be able to afford...idk something? right?
oh yes, I am worried about you not being able to afford your own place, and having a partner to split the bill with would be an immense help economically on top of emotionally. Any chances for a raise, or any opportunity? How is the general area, what have you tried dating wise?
>>35678541
Def habituate eating at specific time windows. It helps. And it absolutely sucks, the doctor situation I mean. I was about to suggest that you might already look for doctors in advance that you could try but then I remembered there are "in network" and "out of network" ones in the US, and until you have a job it thus makes no sense. So maybe I should rewind a little. You mentioned feeling overwhelmed and not knowing how to overcoming neeting, wanting to help bf. Should we try to ease you into feeling productive? What do you do at home for now?';

'>>35679936
by the way I hope I don't come off as inconsiderate of your feelings, cause you are very clearly hurting. And of course I don't want that. In spite of that, we both know you can't be the family therapist/caretaker like that. It is, without their intent, essentially a hostage situation from your pov, isn't it? You see them basically hold a gun to their head and you don't want to stimulate their trigger fingers because you would feel responsible. There are many valid perspectives on this, and for example my own mother would be quite harsh on the matter. She is a bit of a hardliner in the sense that she always hammered into my brain, and I paraphrase here a little, "the past must not consume the future to sustain itself". She lived a life eclipsed by her own mother constantly butting into her life, and she assured I was spared from such things by any means she saw fit. I'm not exactly trying to argue for her point of view, but I want to hear your thoughts and feelings about it, and if you find it relevant to your situation. Of course your own feelings will severely conflict with this line of thinking. You don't want blood on your hands, it's 100% understandable. I just wanna see your thought process.
>>35683502
It can genuinely help a great deal, yes. It can also be supplemented if you feel things in your life lack meaning. Often self actualization is a thing that is really annoying to work towards in the abstract, if not impossible. So finding actual goalposts for which we can create meaning is key.
>>35683723
I don't have firsthand experience but a lot of anons also suggested giving therapists a test run of a few visits. The real crap ones you will already have weeded out after less than a sesh, but the ones that are decent you may vibe with more or less, which is as far as I've been told pure trial and error.
>>35683725
ALL the best, anon! I'd love to hear from you and your adventures on that front, no matter how it goes!';

'Goodnight, /sig/.
>>35687022
You did amazing, Panty. I didn't know it was either. You fight valiantly, and strategically. Honestly the way you approach things is admirable, and if you keep going like this success seems more inevitable than it could ever feel for someone in the trenches.
>>35687094
The hard part is finding an excuse to hang out with strangers really. Any hobby, activity or social circle would do. A place you frequent, anything. Some hobbies make it easier. Students have a natural place to gather. You get the idea. It depends on what your interests are. But ultimately the base ingredients are time investment and recurrently meeting.';

'>>35679759
Being refused HRT because someone is autistic is separate thing and it mostly effects your legal sex from what I heard.
I meant bra with good circumstance but too small cup but yeah it could bulge and binders exist for a reason I guess. And I didn't knew white ones are so visible, maybe my shirts are just tightly sewn if I haven't noticed anything like that before with different clothes but I need to buy new ones so it may be important now ∨_∨

>>35686811
>I would discourage those that have it worst
By acknowledging someone is in the worst situation than me? If you want to argue that it would be disrespectful than it's your stupid philosophy.
>BPD
I don't get bpd highs and lately I cannot control my emotions as well as I did before but it mostly happen when I'm tired and I don't care about how I act or if I'm a asshole now.
>the room
I mostly stay in my room but I still go to kitchen, bathroom and for petting the dog plus I sometimes get hyperactive and just walk around the house for few minutes before noticing it and going back to my room to chill out also once in a while I would make dinner but I cook them less and less and it takes me longer and longer to cook the same dishes, not to mention that I just leave kitchen whenever I don't have to actively do something in kitchen and sometimes it's irresponsible but I just don't want to stay in front of the stove and instead I want to lay down in bed again.
Excerpting in my room isn't too comfortable because I don't have much space that isn't occupied by something and I open my window to let the fresh coal pollution in for as long as it won't get too cold inside.
I wish I could be alone here and it may happen soon but I know I wouldn't take good care of myself or my dog if that would happen now.
Can you tell me realistically how much HRT changes when it comes to your face? I always delusioned myself that I could transition into someone who's not a hon trying to shield myself from bad feeling of reality.';

'Bump.';

'>>35687925
Found an image showing it in action! It's something many people don't know, but stylists for TV etc. are keenly aware of. With synthetic fabrics it can even be a bit worse under regular cool toned office light, because the fibres are more reflective than something like cotton.

>>35687493
>by the way I hope I don't come off as inconsiderate of your feelings, cause you are very clearly hurting.
Oh nah, not at all, if anyone is inconsiderate of my feelings here it might be myself for joking about them haha
The hostage situation metaphor is fitting for how it makes me feel, yes. There's a part of it that feels a little bit like being a prisoner too; like I'm caught in a cage, and I'm not allowed to break out.
>"the past must not consume the future to sustain itself"
I quite like that. I try to live by something similar myself, not letting my past be justification for mistreating others or hindering progress. At the same time it's not something I expect of my family, which I guess makes for an uneven balance.
More than anything it has served as a survival tactic, I suppose.';

'Hello again. I've been getting a bad case of the screw-its lately. I keep wanting to make excuses to drink. Luckily I've been able to snap out of it. Makes me reconsider going to a rave next week. Last time I had this feeling I ended up drinking. Although I really wanna go out. I love live music too much. It's the only setting where I feel normal. Like all my problems are gone. Where people see me and smile, say hello, and such. My gf likely isn't going. A blessing and a curse. I do enjoy going out with her. I also enjoy going to shows alone. Even though I have to get a hotel for the night, it's worth it. Especially when I don't drink. Arriving early and pre-gaming in the hotel room sounds fun, but I know that'll be a mistake. I gotta be strong. I fought too hard to do that again. I fought too hard to maintain the ability to attend those shows. If I had to cut that aspect of my life out to maintain sobriety, I think I'd actually go insane. It's silly, to make music events such a core part of my life. It's ironic, the setting that got me into this mess is also the setting that saved my pre-trans self when she was confused and ready to end it all. Everything in my life circles back and forth from beneficial to detrimental for me. I guess it's nice figuring out how the new, sober version of myself is going to navigate life from here on out, even if it's difficult.

Although, knowing I drank away my chance to be on stage with my friends still hurts. The new kids in the local scene are making names for themselves and the generation I was a part of is moving on with their lives/careers. I'm too old to try again. At least I can enjoy the show.

I've stopped attending AA meetings. They make me sad. They make me wanna drink. It's very cult-like and nothing they offer me outside of sobriety appeals to me. I'll miss this one friend I made, however. She stopped me from relapsing so many time. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to properly thank her.';

'Bump';

'>>35587792
i cut instead of expressing my emotions properly i'm so fucking useless';

'bump';

'>>35687295
>or you have a very characteristic writing style and manner of thinking.
being frustrated with a coding job is pretty specific i guess
now is like the worst time to try to get into ML but here i am trying anyways';

'managed to push myself to go to the gym two nights in a row after not having gone in over a month!';

'Does anyone have tips on boosting self-esteem/ego? I used to think that testosterone maxxing was the case but obviously that's not an option. There has to be some way to wake up in the morning and feel confident about your purpose in life, I just know it...


>>35695698
>managed to push myself to go to the gym two nights in a row after not having gone in over a month!
Nice, I went for the first time in years yesterday c:';

'My dysphoria is getting worse
I am mentally better somehow but it becomes apparent how my brain isnt really like others people.
I dont have female interest if any at all?
Like
It breaks my mind sometimes how some girls just pick up a hobby like idk coding, crotcheting and STICK to it not just watch one vid and be satisfied.
All I have rn is doing some basic shit for my skin(lmao) and wanting ot get into nail care and shit like that I cant wrap my head around actually doing it or getting to the point I can actually learn and do stuff
Do I make sense?';

'>>35696079
not to mentionmy poor ass cant afford the good products but thast not a real issue but money is money
lack of intedity sometimes';

'>>35687295
Yep, you definitely get why the doctor thing isn't an easy quick fix, but from what I hear from friends, doctors are better where I recently moved to so maybe it'll work itself out if I give it a chance and put in the effort
>What do you do at home for now?
I usually clean. My laundry, my boyfriend's laundry, our room, the dishes, the shared spaces our roommates may need or want cleaned, etc. I've also been applying to jobs, doing interviews, reviewing my applications and my resume. Some days I just flat out don't have energy though and I've just laid in bed, unable to even sit up due to the exhaustion. Part of the issue too is that the exhaustion comes in waves, and sometimes I'll be feeling fine until it hits, then suddenly I'm so wiped that even breathing feels like it's taking effort. Doesn't get that bad that often thankfully.
I also get burnt out fairly easy in general. I get overwhelmed with anything social quickly, even just being out in public. I wear loop earplugs which helps me keep from going non verbal, but I likely will have to go back to not wearing them once I get a job, as most jobs will not allow that without accommodation, but that's back to "no doctor no insurance" and I've got physical issues for them to care about, there's no time or money to try to get a proper autism diagnosis, which I would need at this point to hold any job long term. I usually burn out and cycle jobs, the fact that this time I'm jobless due to moving and not due to having a meltdown is shocking. But now throw in the random intense exhaustion and I'm struggling before I even get a job this time
I really appreciate that you take the time to actually listen and talk with people about their issues. Sometimes just having somebody to vent to is a massive help just on its own, you know?';

'>>35685229
>>35687493
Aight, that's at least something to start with. Thank you two a lot!
Thankfully I am lucky to have a good insurance, so I should be able to give them decent test runs.';

'Bump.';

'i am having a panic attack again lmao';

'I am GOING to get buff
I am GOING to get huge
I am GOING to do my first gear cycle in fall
And I'm doing it FOR SHE';

'>check Indeed and do my usual search (part-time, entry-level, no college needed)
>7 new jobs
>all stuff I can't do anyway';

'Tomorrow's a day off so I am up a little late today.
>>35687925
> If you want to argue that it would be disrespectful
not at all. The issue is elsewhere. People that have it bad will often minimize their own struggles with "others have it worse" and nonsensical brain worms. You don't have to get it, but it is simply that. I cannot let them make excuses like that, if there were any exceptions to "people should speak up about their issues" people would think themselves the exception always. If it makes no sense to you, it doesn't have to.
>'m tired and I don't care about how I act or if I'm a asshole now.
Hmm, fair.
>Can you tell me realistically how much HRT changes when it comes to your face?
honestly having seen enough tranners pre and posttrans the difference is quite staggering, ofc facial hair removal/lazer helps, and some clocky features may remain but frankly I have seen quite surprising results. A BMI above 22 helps as well. I've seen tranners pass better at a BMI of 24 than they did at 20.
>>35690400
Glad to hear I did alright by you.
>There's a part of it that feels a little bit like being a prisoner too; like I'm caught in a cage, and I'm not allowed to break out.
Yeah, it makes sense, as for the past and the future, to clarify... one thing she would also mean by that is "parents (the past) cannot rely on their children (the future) to the child's detriment." She was always quite radical with this. And to some extent I do agree. They raised you to live your own life, not prolong theirs. It sounds harsh.. but in spite of all the complicated feelings and conflicting emotions, I think you see where I am coming from.
>>35693083
You're not useless. Sh shit is difficult to overcome, and we do have resources for people wanting to kick the habit. We can also try and help you figure out alternative ways to cope. You want to be better. And I can assure you you can be, but at times it will require things that will feel unnatural to you, OOC in a way.';

'>>35701506
Update: I found openings for a motel front desk and a drive-thru coffee shop barista; I'll apply to those.';

'So, uh… the main thing I did today was choose to stay alive.

It’s really tempting to believe that things are flat out awful right now (in my little life and out in the world), and that they will only get worse, but I know that’s not the whole story.';

'>>35691108
I'm proud of you staying strong. The pull will come in waves for a while. I think you can tell by now that it is an ebb and flow situation, and I would really love for you to have at least someone to make you feel safe going, but I do have faith in you either way. And... I mean, if you want you can try a career that is in direct support of them. You would not be on stage, but... there are many jobs that are needed to make the show what it is, right?
> I'll miss this one friend I made, however. She stopped me from relapsing so many time.
why not grab her contact and vibe with her privately? Tell me about your fears and worries.
>>35695012
You are trying your best, and that matters a great deal in my eyes. I wish you nothing but the best, MLA.
>>35695698
Well done, miu miu! Picking up these things when you got out of your groove for a while is damn hard. I envy your tenacity.
>>35695757
There are many different approaches, some of them are literal mental exercises, mantras and the like. You see that a lot of self flagellation is habitual. It is not as rationally founded as it feels, we just do it cause we are used to it. Actively spotting when you devalue yourself and trying to push back helps. Also, if the lack of self esteem is founded in dissatisfaction, it depends on what you would like to improve. What you would be proud of, and what you value in other people you would like to make your own.
>>35696079
> I cant wrap my head around actually doing it or getting to the point I can actually learn and do stuff
I think I get it, you say that you don't really know how to cope with delayed gratification tasks. Have you always struggled with it?
>>35699726
That filename obliterated my sides.
>>35697921
All the best anon, keep us posted!
>>35701506
>>35702423
Hope it works out, job searching is a shitshow.
>>35702561
I hope you know that I am happy to have you around, Panty. And I hope you get to treat yourself a little.';

'Goodnight.
>>35700117
Ganbatte, anon!
>>35699982
What's up?
>>35696460
You are doing amazing but.. could it be you don't factor in rest times on "productive" days? It's hard to accept but rest is a productive action too, and needed. We have a lovely little autism related yt channel in the resources, ask an autistic. It seems to have a few useful things, and I think all the resources I have gathered are by and for people on the spectrum, not people who treat peeps with tism like zombies. You are cherished, and your efforts are not less valuable because of your struggles.. they are admirable. It is worth celebrating that you do what is difficult. I just don't want you to get hurt in the process either, so that is the balance.
>Sometimes just having somebody to vent to is a massive help just on its own, you know?
It is my pleasure and my privilege to support people on this board, and website at large. I'm grateful to be able to give back to a place that, in spite of itself, brought me so much happiness.';

'>>35702607
Definitely appreciate the reminder that you like having me here, Siganon, but I knew that. I also haven’t forgotten that when I took a break from posting here in March some people noticed I wasn’t around and missed me.

I’m just still struggling with bad old mental habits. I’m getting tired and I’m not sure what else to add, but I can say more about this later if anyone wants to know.';

'does anyone even remember me lol?
semester almost over which means summer school and looking for a job. At least I got some shit to look forward to in the summer. Been really fucked up by the schedule this semester since I didn't get priority to enroll in classes. This coming fall should be better which means maybe I can actually make friends with people who care? So far very surface level stuff with people. I'll be honest, I Don't care for my friend all that much after getting to know him better. I enjoy our little outings, but I feel like we're just in two different worlds. Not gonna force that connection either.';

'>>35704753
side note, anyone have any good experiences with those friend making apps? I don't think I'd ever use one, but it seems like an interesting premise. Nowadays everyone is fucking glued to their phone waiting for their friends to beam some inane gossip their way. Almost impossible to see anyone talk outside their little clicks. I just miss being a kid and striking up friendship with literally anyone. It was so effortless, so free. Then again, the qualifications were much easier to meet. You like the color blue too? Wow, me too. My name is anon, what's yours? Nice to meet you, /sigger/!';

'>>35704829
Relatable. I miss when we used to meet people irl and use social media to stay in touch and plan the next irl event. Now it's all reversed.';

'My mother has suddenly started referring to me by the shortened form of my name. It's jarring.
She has had a policy of never referring to me by any name, and has acted that way for 9 years. I have been nameless at home for almost a decade.
I guess this is progress, and things are looking up.';

'>>35587792
I do not know how to fucking use 4chan as I am lacking of brain stuff in my brain and there is a lot of numbers and stuff here. Annnyways how do you guys cope with the fact that one day we are all gonna die and return to a state of nothingness. I know drugs r bad n all but I honestly just want to become a primal beast that reacts on emotion instead of uhhh like thoughts. HOW DO I COPE WITH BEING ALIVE IT IS VERY HARD!!!!';

'>>35679936
>Hmm, what you describe here sounds eeriely similar to how I am. Out of curiousity, do you have an ADHD diagnosis?
Haha yea I do, late dx tho
Still tryna figure out how to manage it in combo with my other issues (am medicated thankfully, saved my life)
>Because it turns out that and some associated trauma was the root cause for me.
Same for me xd
>Hah ah Raki I'm so conflicted on: I dislike the taste, but it's nostalgic. Ouzo for me instead.
Ouzo is much nicer ya, prefer it 2 raki for sure.
Whereabouts was your grandpa from if you don't mind me askin? Mine wasn't actually a Cretan national but immigrated there decades back, assimilated pretty well tho lol.
>>35686811
>perfect! If you feel stuck or overwhelmed at any point, I can ask more questions. And be sure to keep us posted even if you are stuck.
Thanks u anon <3
I've been quite busy this side of the week unfortunately (parent in hospital for heart failure and I'm the one primarily organizing and helping) so I've not had a chance to work on it, but I'll post if I'm struggling again
Today is therapy day and it takes up a lot of my energy, feels like the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, so doubt I'll be working on it today either xd';

'>>35705007
Tell me about the good ole days, anon';

'>>35705211
For me, the fact that we all die and are forgotten is comforting. It means all my worries will be gone and it means all my mistakes will be forgotten. In the end, even the man who chases fame and whose name remains on the lips of others for thousands of years will be forgotten eventually. "Doesn't this depress you, anon?" No. You must reframe death. It means you must suffer and survive to the best of your ability so when the time comes you have little regret.';

'This post might not belong here, but I am unsure where I'd put it.

I'm working on a part of a larger project by myself. The larger project has other hands on it, of course, and doing parts of projects similar to this have done nothing to my mental state. However, for some reason, this project in particular is making me want to kill myself.
Nothing about the project is bad. Nothing about it would upset me! I enjoy every portion of it and in an ideal world, when the project is finished and out there, I am (probably) proud of it and the work I did on it! But right now, in the state it's in (which is not a bad state at ALL), working on it is making me suicidal to an extreme I have never experienced. I keep going to other parts of the project and helping out to delay my work until I physically am forced to work on it or kill myself.
Is there a solution? Again, NOTHING ABOUT IT SHOULD BE DOING THIS. Am I just psyching myself out about it???';

'pg 9 bump';

'>>35587792
bump, I love this thread';

'>>35705935
>am medicated thankfully, saved my life
Phew there's hope then. (I'm about to go on meds too, late dx for me as well.)
Sucks knowing that you could have gotten help sooner if only somebody had tested you. I've been reading up a lot on the hows and whys of adhd in my freetime, and that has helped me feel a little less broken. Once I started thinking about my brain as a golden retriever (dumb at first glance, smart underneath as long as you cheer it on) something kind of clicked. It's not perfect advice, but it might help.
>Whereabouts was your grandpa from
Funnily enough he wasn't Cretan either. He looks the part though, and is often mistaken for one, so in his youth he began taking an interest in the culture and music, eventually travelling there. Writing this makes me want to go there again some day so I can eat all the food lol

>>35702300
>I think you see where I am coming from.
Hmm, yeah. My dad mostly raised me to be "normal" and have something to show off, I feel. And to make me care for him when he grows old, according to himself.
Thanks for sharing your mom's advice with me though. I think I will carry that one with me.';

'>>35710439
>Phew there's hope then. (I'm about to go on meds too, late dx for me as well.)
Awesome (: Hope it works out well for you anon. Sorry to hear you got a late dx too :/
I'm on Vyvanse/Elvanse and IR dex as needed. It's by no means a quick fix, but it massively helps with motivation and focus. Executive function is still really difficult, but if you can force yourself onto a task while medicated, you'll damn well stick to it on meds.
Otherwise I can hold routines, have better discipline. Waking up is much easier. My mind's mostly silent (both beneficial + detrimental) and I can stand in queues without fidgeting constantly lmao.
>Sucks knowing that you could have gotten help sooner if only somebody had tested you.
Yea I feel the same towards my parents. My mum said she "always knew something wasn't right" but never sought help for me. Tbf there's a lot of nuance to the situ and I try not to resent them for it but I can't help but feel a little failed.
>I've been reading up a lot on the hows and whys of adhd in my freetime, and that has helped me feel a little less broken. Once I started thinking about my brain as a golden retriever (dumb at first glance, smart underneath as long as you cheer it on) something kind of clicked. It's not perfect advice, but it might help.
Yea definitely true in my experience. Basically have to take the reigns and guide your attention and focus, apply lots of self-discipline xd
>Funnily enough he wasn't Cretan either. He looks the part though, and is often mistaken for one, so in his youth he began taking an interest in the culture and music, eventually travelling there. Writing this makes me want to go there again some day so I can eat all the food lol
Hahaha that's great. Found his calling then x)
It's an amazing place and culture, i'd love to go back someday too. Will be hard pressed not to try food - basically every local wants to invite you in to sample theirs lol.';

'>>35702300
>If it makes no sense to you
It makes sense, I just thought you were meaning something else before. Still my biggest issues are things like being born with a dick instead of vag or my parents not carrying what I do durring the childhood. I wasn't beaten up or molested, nothing big like that have happen to me.
>howtoadhd
It seems to be a good start point for self diagnosis or as a resource for people who don't know themselfs. Ihaven't find anything usefull there but I'll try looking at if a bit more. Also this fucked my yt recomnendations for some reason and satarted showing me trauma, autism (im trans plus adhd so fair) videos and self improvement into get rich scams -_-
Also my friends finally asked me why I ghosted them and if I want to just cut contact with them or something like that. I'mnot sure because I haven't seen the full message just the notification and I read it durring one of few breaks from 24h of sleep after the argument with my parents (very mature I know). I don't want to meet with them or message them back but I also want to keep my doors open for the chance of meeting them. I don't know what I can say to them not to be a asshole and keep my distance from them for now.
Oh and I may try to kill myself past 20th any ideas what I could do before that?';

'I just cried over some abusive and shitty relationship from a hentai. Im pathetic enough to cry because of jelousy towards characters of a fucking porn comic. I should really just end it all with how disfuncrional i am';

'I see myself as extremly male
I am considering detransing again
it feels like I am just imitating a person instead of being authentic with myself
It feels like self induldgence at best and lying or rather imitation and fitting in at worst
I can barely tell what my likes and dislikes are anymore
i am sorry. I dont know what to do. I only continue transitioning because there is this vague idea it will help me. But I am not that person it feels. Everything I do towards that goal feels like I am ignoring stuff.
I guess the most imprtant question is if I wanna be a woman/girl/girlthing
For the longest time I though I would like to be feminine at the very least. And it felt like I was less male than others. So this made sense after a long long time of beating myself over the decision. And now I am again caught in the guiles of fakeness. whose dream is this anyway, Do i do it just so I can feel good about myself? Why do I envy others who have experiences that are better than mine or worse than mine. Just so i can tell , if I ever am like them, that i fit in? Fit in where??
I will never make anyone proud, in the truest sense. make someone cry because i made them happy. I will never have kids. I will never be anyone. Not even myself. Who am I
oops gotta go
have to cry over this shit too cause hormones fucked with my brain.';

'>>35702708
Well, I do factor in rest time. The big issue is I'm not on a schedule ATM, so it's throwing me off mentally as well as throwing off my sleep schedule.
I also feel super fucking cringey even implying I have autism, but it's pretty obviously autism. I'm extremely particular about how I do anything, and I'm hard to work with because of it. I don't handle socializing with people well, because they expect certain behaviors and responses out of me that they just aren't going to get. I've gotten burnt out mentally and quit basically every job I've ever had with no 2 week notice, usually because I can't handle the social interactions any more, or because my coworkers do their job wrong.
I struggle with eye contact, which people don't like. I get overstimulated and go non verbal which is frustrating as fuck AND it pisses people off, then they usually yell, which makes it worse. Often I'll just cry at that point. I've never really held a job for more than a year at a time unless they constantly change my position and let me hyperfixate on learning new tasks. Even doing that every few months I burnt out of my longest job at 3 years. Best paying job I've ever had, too.
But because I'm not officially diagnosed, I'm instead viewed as a lazy asshole by jobs. But trying to function like most people usually ends with me taking breaks to cry from stress throughout the day, and often. Which makes no fucking sense logically, because I CAN do shit exactly like others do, hell I even enjoy and prefer working. So I don't get why I get burnt out so bad and can't actually keep a job.';

'Might as well post another update on my situation.

My roommate/ex and I are talking about me moving out and going back to Tennessee in early June now. There’s just no need to wait and see for another couple of months.

I’ve already applied to a bunch of programs, but in all probability they aren’t going to get back with me that quickly.

I reached out to a nonprofit that does temporary housing for queer people, but I haven’t heard back from them yet and it’s doubtful I’d be able to stay with then until I got offered a permanent place anyway.

I scheduled one last appointment with my current HRT doctor, where I’m going to ask how I can continue getting injectable estrogen in my situation.

I did some drawing today, and ruled out a couple more leads.

I might try getting a Maryland State ID before I go, so I can have an ID with an F on it.

It sucks, but at least I have family to go back to. It’ll be nice to visit my old haunts in TN. I wasn’t going to go back there unless I absolutely had to.

Even if the main thing I got out of this relationship was a year in Maryland, it was nice. And I figured out some new things to try going forward.';

'needed some rest today. Gonna respond tomorrow.';

'Bump';

'>>35713000
ftm here. recently feeling similar. but i started feeling this way because a fuckup with hormones sent me into psychosis twice in one year, after i got botched surgeries. ended up in a mental hospital for weeks, lost all my friends, my job, and am lucky to be alive. but it really makes me think that if i were cis it wouldn't have happened. also i keep feeling inferior and similar to you, as an "imitator" because i have no dick and don't make natural testosterone. everyone i've ever dated left me due to sex issues and society tells me i need a dick to be male.

but at this point even if i transitioned back to female i'd still be fucked. i'd have to go on estrogen for life, get laser hair removal and whatnot plus face the shame of having to tell everyone i know i was transitioning back to female and "yeah you were all right, it was just a phase".';

'>>35713580
i do ai training, i have no coworkers and just do it on a website. you might be able to find something like that or start up your own business';

'bumbbb xdd';

'I have lost 2lbs in a week via obsessive working out after watching the muscle mommy film whoops';

'>>35714272
Rest well anon <3';

'Almost started hypervedilating cause I changed my twitter psw(I dbarely use that site) and forgot about it so i ahd to change back
why am I like this';

'Bump from page 9';

'Guuueehhhh... I shall refrain from making my own cold-brew coffee in the future... This is harrowing.
I've almost finished refurbishing my greenhouse for the purpose of mitigating heat damage; I need only to purchase and install a shade tarp. Then, I'll have the free time to get back to painting, and perhaps then I won't feel as constantly restless and perturbed...
I've paused my perusal of music theory books until I've purchased an MIDI keyboard.
>>35718347
Do you not possess a physical document cataloguing all of your login information?';

'>>35720941
uhhh duh I do
its called memory and firefox auto password?';

'It was a restful day. I will see what I can do to catch up with the thread.
>please wait before making a post
....reee...
>>35703636
>>35713708
It's all a bit of a mess it seems, the one thing I find strange about it all is.. it sounds like both you AND your roommate will struggle with everything being so short term, unless I misunderstood something. But if that is correct, why did your ex insist on it? I mean I am glad you have backup solutions, but I feel like you both would have been in less trouble if he had given you both a longer time frame to work with. Or maybe I just misremember the details of your circumstance..
>>35704753
>>35704829
My memory is poor but you can easily jog it a little. You were one of the anons seeking out friends I take it. Hmm.. does your faculty have no social events orchestrated by the student body? Strongly depends on the country and local culture if that is a thing worth checking but still.
>>35705029
I'm glad to hear, anon. It definitely is progress! How do you feel overall?
>>35705211
>I do not know how to fucking use 4chan
oh, what brought you here?
>lacking of brain stuff in my brain
an accident, some kind of medical thing?
>. HOW DO I COPE WITH BEING ALIVE IT IS VERY HARD!!!!
Well, if you are afraid of nothingness then you should avoid breaking the one thing that does the thinking, even if it seems like the thoughts are the issue. First, we gotta figure out when you think these thoughts, and what you enjoy doing/distracts you from them. Then we need to add more that makes your life pleasant now so you have less time to spend dreading things in the far future.
>>35705935
I wish you all, all, ALL the best, anon! It sounds rough.. take the time to recuperate. It sounds like you are doing challenging things and doing your best to get better, to push forward. That matters, a great deal even. I'm rooting for you, remember we are here to listen!
>>35710320
This made me smile, by the way.. thank you.';

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i feel so worthless, because i cant do even the easiest excercise routine properly. a week ago i started jogging, but it always goes like this
>think im going to jog 2 minutes and im going to walk 2 minutes and do this for 20 minutes
>actually i jog 1 minute
>walk for some time
>feel bad for having walked, so i jog 3-4 minutes
>too exhausted to do jog anymore
>just walk home conscious that i failed once again
i used to be a chainsmoker and im fat, but thats not the issue, the issue is that i lack willpower. because 10 minutes of jogging with breaks inbetween really isnt that hard, or it shouldnt be, but my stupid faggot ass cant manage it. please help, every time i get home from jogging i feel like shit for not having accomplished my goals and i already reduced my goals by a lot.';

'>>35707417
It very much belongs here, even if I take ages to respond at times.
>I keep going to other parts of the project and helping out to delay my work until I physically am forced to work on it or kill myself.
> NOTHING ABOUT IT SHOULD BE DOING THIS.
Very interesting. Yeah it would definitely need a bit of prodding though, because like you said, there is no apparent difference between it and other things you have done. Is there anything in particular you have experienced since the last project? Or could it be you lack rest? Do you feel more obligated? Is there a person or thing involved that isn't in other projects? I think your best bet is expose yourself to what gives you the suifuel feels and try to reflect upon the thoughts and feelings that come up, write them down. It does not have to be coherent but if we got any theme or internal reasoning out of you we could much more efficiently prod away at it.
>>35710439
>My dad mostly raised me to be "normal" and have something to show off, I feel.
Hope you don't mind me getting a bit passionate over this, but if that is the case he belongs to the class of parents that confuse raising children with raising vegetables. The final result is not a prize winning gourd, it is an autonomous being that has the right to fuck off without notice at any given moment.
>And to make me care for him when he grows old, according to himself.
Second verse, same as the first. I'm glad if anything I said helped you, but... if you allow me to be a little harsh on your family. You are not their caretaker or their property. It is not unreasonable for a parent to believe that their kid will one day support them to some extent, but (and pardon my colorful choice of words) "I will put an autonomous human being in this world so it can wipe my decrepit ass for me when I turn 85" is not exactly award winning parenting. As the child, OF COURSE, there is a lot of hurt thinking about not doing EVERYTHING for a loved one. But.. you deserve limits.';

'>>35722977
>I wish you all, all, ALL the best, anon! It sounds rough.. take the time to recuperate.
Thanks u anon <3
It's been full steam ahead these past two days lol. My dad got discharged from hospital today so I've spent all day helping there, cleaned his flat, etc etc, absolutely exhausted xd
>It sounds like you are doing challenging things and doing your best to get better, to push forward. That matters, a great deal even. I'm rooting for you, remember we are here to listen!
Thank u for the kind wishes (: I'd be lying if I said therapy wasn't one of the hardest things I've ever done. Like my God has it been hard. Way different to the past since I'm trying really hard now. Hopefully I'll start seeing more progress soon :>)';

'>>35711952
I usually mean well, I hope you know by now. I get the feeling you often interpolate towards me saying something antagonizing. I am very ambiguous in the way I express myself, often also because of the char limit and my limited focus. I will always gladly clear things up but I think it would do you well if you, whenever you think I am antagonizing you, took a step back and question that line of reasoning and what would need clarification to make sure it's not just miscommunication. Anyway..
>biggest issues are things like being born with a dick instead of vag
yeah, and anything to help your transition along is a W, but ofc these things are incremental and you will need other things on the side to distract yourself while those are cooking.
>or my parents not carrying what I do durring the childhood
which is the whole support network discussion all over again, I will spare you, and if nothing else all I can offer immediately is /sig/. We can support you and cheer you on as you work on yourself, we can listen to your woes, and we can discuss the nitty gritty of what can be done on less abstract matters.
> Ihaven't find anything usefull there but I'll try looking at if a bit more.
Do keep me posted, I wish I had more things to point you towards, but I don't have too much time to dig and it's really hard for someone with no use for these resources to really gauge their efficacy. Also, on the one hand yes your recs are a little fucked but if the non-scam videos are any good it might be a boon!
Glad your friends contacted you.
> don't want to meet with them or message them back
how come?
> I don't know what I can say to them
>and keep my distance
Honesty helps, if framed in a way that is comprehensible to others.
1) You are going through a rough patch, so you have retreated into yourself a little.
2) You don't want to cut contact but you don't wanna end up lashing out to people while you are trying to make sense of things.
(1/2)';

'Doing my check in.
feeling not great but alot better since >>35609212
Been feeling very unmotivated to clean my apartment but I'm gonna try to finish it before Saturday
Anyways anyone know of any good little rewards or incentives to help keep yourself more motivated. Any suggestions are welcome. .';

'>>35722977
The explanation, I think, is just that my ex didn’t have the patience to help me move out in better circumstances. They could have asked me to move out months ago and given me more time, but they were afraid to. They knew this would be hard no matter what, so they put it off as long as they could stand to and now that they have admitted that this is what they want to happen, they’re anxious to get it over with. Not the most mature way for them to handle it, sure, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Moving in with my ex last year was a risk I took. I’m reaping what I sowed here. I still learned and benefitted from this experience, even if it’s putting me back where I started in the end.';

'>>35711952
>>35712951
(2/2)
It begs the question *why* you want to keep a distance though? Esp when you are suicidal the best thing to do would be to reach out to friends and loved ones and come forth about issues, which is difficult, and yes, not every friend can be a supporting factor, but we are talking survival here.
> Im pathetic enough to cry because of jelousy towards characters of a fucking porn comic.
That's not pathetic at all in my eyes. Fiction is a common retreat, and if stories could not affect us emotionally there would be no point.
>>35713000
>>35715959 (including you in case anything I say is of interest to you.)
Detransing won't help, sadly. It's a cycle of imposter syndrome. While I am not trans, I do have spent 10 years of my life coping with imposter syndrome and helping others overcome their own because.. well, academia is completely saturated with it.
>. I only continue transitioning because there is this vague idea it will help me. But I am not that person it feels.
>Everything I do towards that goal feels like I am ignoring stuff.
That.. is normal, and borderline universal. It is counterintuitive but you must push on against the doubt. It will not get better on its own all alone though.
>I will never make anyone proud, in the truest sense.
>make someone cry because i made them happy.
>I will never be anyone. Not even myself.
Notice that all these things are vague, unattainable, outright undefinable things. This is a mental trap. You want to be genuine, but you are caught up in idealized dreams of what it means. It's common, but it distracts you from what you want: to feel normal, to feel comfortable. This is not attainable through questioning whether your thoughts are feminine enough, or your hobbies, or looks. What you need is first and foremost things you enjoy for their own sake, and things you need to learn to be proud of and thankful for. Sadly.. feeling pride in your accomplishments is a LEARNED skill. Most people don't know.';

'>>35713580
>I also feel super fucking cringey even implying I have autism,
hope it helps when I say I don't think it is cringe at all. You just want to get better and use the things you know to try and puzzle together things that work for you. You look for solutions, and those are often attached to labels, so you look for labels.
And yes, it is def a major struggle with the eye contact. You simply parse human interactions differently, and get overwhelmed by certain things. It does not make you less capable or stupid, even if people make you feel this way. Panty recently mentioned something interesting, "case managers". I mean, yes, you aren't diagnosed just yet, but it might still be worth looking into given you likely will be the moment you have access to healthcare.
>>35718289
Thank you, by the way!
>>35717902
Oh damn, that's a daily deficit of about 1000kcal. Make sure to keep your macros in check!
>>35718347
You mean the forgetful part or the panicky part?
>>35720941
What was your process for the coldbrew? Haven't tried making it myself but the biggest issue is it not turning into a vile, oxidized mess.
>>35723443
Oh in that case the primary issue is mindset. The thing is, if you are too exhausted to jog by the end, yet managed to walk the entire distance, it still counts as a win. Your current goal should be just to push yourself to the limit.
Try this:
>Jog 1 minute
>walk 5
>Jog 1 minute
>etc
if you are exhausted by the end, it was a success. Repeat until you are no longer exhausted from that routine. You currently are stuck in a mindset of "I reached exhaustion I am weak failure" instead of "I pushed to my current limit I am forcing my body to adapt success". You are actually doing better than you think. This is a game of persistence. How long have you been keeping this up?
>>35723614
>. Way different to the past since I'm trying really hard now. Hopefully I'll start seeing more progress soon :>)
I'm sure you will. Remember, we are here for you.';

'>>35723862
>I get the feeling you often interpolate towards me saying something antagonizing
Not this time.
>help your transition
I will never transition. I just got a bit of gyno and lost few facial hairs, maybe I'm losing less hair than before. I will never pass or be respected by anyone, I should have rip and tear my wrist instead of starting this bullshit.
>how come?
I just don't want to meet with them, it's too much potential bullshit for me to handle and I would just be either mute or have to put_my_mask_on.dream.
>*why*
I already talked about them not being able to help me because of either their personality or lack of emotional wisdom/empathy i forgor howtoenglish.
>Fiction is a common retreat
But we're talking about the fucking porn manga plot here. All those things are rapey at best and it way gay bdsm one. I hate wanting to be just someone's fucktoy without any care about myself or the world. It's pathetic but one the secound though being a sex addict would fitting thing for me.';

'dr k just posted a nice conversation with destiny its so good';

'>>35724446
>What was your process for the coldbrew? Haven't tried making it myself but the biggest issue is it not turning into a vile, oxidized mess.
You won't derive much wisdom from my attempted foray:
1. Measure and grind beans.
2. Add grounds and water to a container with a lid.
3. Leave container in the refrigerator overnight.
4. Pour brew into a container, using a filter to separate grounds from water.
5. Observe that the liquid refuses to pass through the filter, speak profane words in a number of tongues, and resort to the application of a slightly less fine filter.
6. Ponderously sup the acrid, gritty sludge up until the last half-inch's worth, and then toss it out with disgust.
>>35724716
I'll have to check that out.';

'>>35724079
All the best on your cleaning efforts. My #1 tip is: segregate into small sections. Instead of thinking of terms per-room, subdivide for example the floor into "tiles" you can clean up in like 10-20 minutes. Then treat yourself to something, maybe a cookie for all it matters, and off you go.
>>35724085
It was of course very stupid of them to handle it that way and causing problems, but of course I understand where they are coming from. Still, sorry it went that way. I wish you all the best, and I do think it sounds like a risk worth taking overall.
>>35724716
Dr K?
>>35724549
> I just got a bit of gyno and lost few facial hairs, maybe I'm losing less hair than before. I will never pass or be respected by anyone, I should have rip and tear my wrist instead of starting this bullshit.
I mean E takes years and I checked back with the archives and maybe I missed something but you were on E since only rather recently weren't you? You fear it won't do enough, but I mean it will still do something. I get your point of "it won't make me pass" tough. Thank you for reminding me regarding your friends being on the immature side. It's such a curse esp with lgbt things in eastern yurop being what they are. As for porn... I think you would not care for sex too much if you had emotional intimacy, so I see nothing to be ashamed of in principle.
It really sucks, the whole situation. Is there anything I can offer you besides listening and spurning you on towards being good to yourself? Cause, yeah, your environment is difficult to escape from, and I am afraid I see little that can be immediately done besides trying to find you small things that are good for you, offering an emotional outlet, and a listening ear.
>>35725067
Hmm... sounds like the grind setting was too fine for the filter. For an immersion brew I would expect you to get away with a coarser grind size, for example when I make a french press I do grind coarser than I do for a V60.';

'>>35725367
Yeah, there’s no hard feelings between us. We both did the best we could, and now I just have to make the next chapter the best it can possibly be.';

'>>35725367
>rather recently weren't you?
Since december 15 so less than half a year. I know that most important changes start at half year point but I don't see how HRT can really help me aside from growing tits and I don't like in which shape they are growing.
>immature side
Not really, they are mostly guys so go figure that they can't into emotions. As for LGBT one is neolib-"leftie", one is too autistic and never cared about things like that the other ones would care too much about surface level stuff or either don't care about me pretty much at all or are immature.
>you would not care for sex too much
I don't care about sex aside from when I'm horny and want to be fucked at the same time. I just want to be officialy degraded into something bellow a human being and feeling good in the mean time sounds just fine enough. That is why I said it's pathetic esspediallyv when I'm too much of a scared bitch to just fuck with every guy on grindr I can find.
>Is there anything I can offer you
I honestly don't know and I'm too tired of being alive that's why I want to end it all. Now I just have to wait until I'll be alone and find a place where I can partially hang myself, loseconciousnese and wait for a hour to get into sweet embrasees of death.';

'its the end of the day for me right now so

>i flirted with a woman
>i showered
>i spent time with family
>i think i learned something new about one of my hobbies
>i meditated
>i learned some shit about dating

t ftm';

'>>35702607
>You would not be on stage, but... there are many jobs that are needed to make the show what it is, right?
You make a great point, but I'll be honest I was really messy back then and I doubt anyone would trust me again with those kinds of responsibilities. I've ruined shows in the past, it's really hard to come back from that. Although who knows, maybe I'll soberly talk to the right person one day. I'd like that, not opposed to it. I'll let that one come to me, perhaps.
>why not grab her contact and vibe with her privately? Tell me about your fears and worries.
It's the avoidance you noticed a while ago. I guess I'm afraid I can't entertain people anymore. Liquid confidence made me forget how to properly socialize. Although as I've mentioned before, I could do it before I drank which means I'm capable now. Since I'm not in my doomer mindset today, I really feel like I can get back to who I was.

I haven't texted her in almost 3 weeks. I'm really afraid she'll think I relapsed. I should drum up the courage to at least let her know I'm okay. Maybe a small part of me is sad she didn't reach out first, we kept each other accountable for a long time there.

Then again, I'm very used to people seeking me out in the past. I never had to learn to approach people you just wanna talk to. life really was handed to me on a silver platter up until last year and I never realized it until I had to start over. Oh well, gotta learn eventually. I'm so glad I'm not drinking anymore. I can finally work on myself.

My gf recommends therapy. I agree with her, although I don't know how to get a therapist. Maybe I'll reach out to the hospital I used to go to.';

'Bump. Something to keep in mind:
One can have one's cake and eat it, but one can not eat one's cake and have it.';

'my fainting problem's back. I haven't actually fainted yet but I've gotten close, vision blacking out and having to sit down and whatnot. most likely low blood sugar obviously. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm gonna tell him about the weight loss because I think it's a side effect of my meds. my appetite hasn't been the same since I started. idk, maybe it's noral to lose a few pounds in the first few months after starting an antidepressant? but I can't really afford to';

'>>35728552
forgot pic';

'really feeling like a burden lately, i'm pretty sure it's like an unspoken rule with everyone in my life that i'm not allowed to be left alone, which is nice on the one hand because things can get really fucking dark when i'm alone, but it feels a little infantilizing regardless. and i don't like feeling like everyone around me is going out of their way to make sure i'm never on my own because it feels like i'm a fucking charity case that only even has people around me because they feel obligated to be there';

'bump';

'>>35711226
>I can stand in queues without fidgeting constantly lmao
Holy shit, I didnt even consider that a possibilty. I wonder if I'll like that part.
>I can't help but feel a little failed
Same. My mom actually did seek out help for me, but my grades were "too good" for the school to take her seriously. Apparently good grades cancel out fighting and being sent to the principal all the time lol
>It's an amazing place and culture, i'd love to go back someday too.
Pack your bags, we're leaving. Lets go to instanbul too, I want lokum. (jk but it'd be nice wouldnt it? you're too right about the locals with the food too aha)

>>35723468
>Hope you don't mind me getting a bit passionate over this
I welcome it, and honestly it made me laugh a little thinking of myself as a gourd. I hope I make for fine soup.
>not exactly award winning parenting.
Hm, no, you're right about that. I guess when it's all you've ever known you grow to think it
is though.
There's this feeling that I have to show appreciation and gratefulness for being fed and clothed to an extreme degree - that I had good parents because they didn't SA me, or starve me, or punish me that much physically (only a little, and I honestly dont think they realised how much it hurt me when they pulled).
But I guess I'm still trying to work through that as well. Trying to figure out which limits are normal and how I can enforce them - not just in a way that hurts my family as little as possible, but also in a way where I will recieve minimal punishment';

'>>35724079
Sometimes to motivate myself to clean I let myself drink something nice as I'm doing it. I put on some good music, and then I sort of try to convince myself I'm having a one-man party where I'm doing a funny dance. It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes it works

>>35725891
That sounds like a pretty decent day!

>>35728552
shit, that doesn't sound good. I faint often myself, so I know how annoying it is. Blood sugar is an obvious contender, but salt balance can be just as bad.
As for weight loss I've mostly heard of the opposite (rapid weight gain), but afaik there's a few non-standard ones that do have weight loss and nausea as side effects. No matter what it's a good idea to ask

>>35728794
If it is any help to hear people sometimes take on the burden of caring for others out of love rather than obligation. I don't know your situation or the people you know of course, but if they keep coming back and you feel like they have no real reason to, it might just be because they care about you. (I'm sorry if that came out a little annoying. I hope you feel less bad soon)';

'Bumb';

'>>35725798
Glad to hear, I'm looking forward to your updates as always. And even if I never talked to your ex, I wish them all the best too.
>>35725844
It's hard to tell with boob development and I am def the wrong person to ask there, but did you ever look for advice on hrtgen on that front?
I think it would be fair to at least communicate to the more mature ones of your friend circle (possible even the leftie autismo) just how unwell you are, to give them a fair chance to try and help. If nothing else it will be better for their conscience should you go through with it, too.
Would there even be people on grindr? It always sounded like, given general hellscape circumstances, people would not exactly be safe to use it where you live without some assholes trying to start shit.
>>35725891
I'm happy for you, anon! How do you feel overall, I think it's quite a successful day.
>>35726615
Trust me, even if you messed up in the past, I do think that it is clear that you are doing your best to turn over a new leaf, and you have natural charms as you very much know yourself. You still have it in you to make people believe in you in a one on one conversation, and especially for more niche jobs it sure helps just being able to approach and connect with potential employers. You know the scene, you would not struggle building some vitamin C(onnections). It's a marathon but if it would make you happy.. I think you can make it to the finish line.
And yes, make the most of your mindset, just text on a whim, don't fuss the details. Remember, your inhibitions fall apart more and more the more you subvert them. The second text is never as scary as the first, and if the first is just "ashdinf" followed by "sorry, forgot to lock my screen. How are you doing?" as a second message? I could not think of a worse opening and yet it would do the job just the same as any other. (Something like that did actually happen to me once, I did not die of embarrassment.)
(1/2)';

'>>35726615
(2/2)
All that said, yes, mustering up courage is hard. Facing fears always is. You will have to do very counterintuitive things to get better, but I do have unshakable faith in you being able to do it.
>>35728552
>>35728556
A very good idea, this is genuinely worrying. Last time we talked I recall us having talked about drinking calories and ramping up your intake drastically. I'm genuinely worried about you, and I feel like we should maybe get in contact on a daily basis for a little while to help you pull the breaks. I am still very happy to see the spike you have in your chart. You are resisting. Please don't take anything I am saying as you not trying. I can see you are, I just want to help you.
>>35728794
Lovely to see you, b. I understand where you are coming from. It is difficult, we all want to be autonomous, but at the same time, when we are particularly down we DO need other people. And.. we also often need to feel like we are BEING needed. I think many people here at some point or other has felt a crushing sense of uselessness seeing a loved one suffer. It is wonderful to actually be able to help. So a good question would probably be, how can you make the most of being propped up by loved ones to regain the feeling of safety when you're on your own. It is not for a lack of maturity or weakness or any flaw you are struggling. You are just hurt and need patching up. So let's see to that.
>>35731005
Yes, it is quite an emotional knot to try and untie. I am glad my analogy amused you! It is a fickle balance to make, but I am glad you understand where I am coming from. Maybe you want to adopt kids yourself one day for example, or just spend your days with a loving partner. So they cannot get in the way of that, after all, had your parents lived to such standards themselves, they would have never had the chance to have you. There must be a compromise and your life cannot be a sacrifice in all this. <3';

'>please wait a while before making a thread
Alright, off to make a coffee.';

'>>35733973
Enjoy!';

'>>35734074
>>35734074
>>35734074
>>35734074

>>35734002
thanks anon, it's the one treat I allow myself today.';

'>>35731158
>people sometimes take on the burden of caring for others out of love
i know, and i appreciate the reminder, it's just hard sometimes both because i don't like being that burden and because it feels a bit weird sometimes to be like... idk just someone who people feel like they have to keep watch over

it definitely didn't come across in any way that was annoying, the reminder that they just care about me and want what's best for me is nice, it's just an odd feeling to only ever be alone when i'm driving or in the bathroom at work lol

>>35733217
>lovely to see you, b
:)
>when we are particularly down we DO need other people
i know, and i am and i do, so i know it's a good thing overall, it just feels strange
>how can you make the most of being propped up by loved one to regain the feeling of safety when you're on your own
idk, and it's not even necessarily that i feel unsafe, though i suppose in a way it's fitting. it's nice to know that if anything happens i have people around to help, and i definitely appreciate having them around, but idk i'm not even really sure what i'm trying to say right now. the lack of autonomy, while not complete, is a bit strange, idk

feeling rambly and not really sure how to put my thoughts to words right now it just feels a bit weird and i'm not really sure how to pick up the pieces to patch myself together enough where people don't feel the need to keep an eye on me, i would understand more if i was still actively self harming, but i'm almost 2 years clean at this point';